Wednesday, March 9, 2011

19 Years and counting

Today is March 9th 2011. I'm officially 19 years old. I'm a year away from being two entire decades old. My life is flashing by and I don't even know how to handle it at this point. So I'm doing what I enjoy doing and blogging about it all. I'm going through this past year now.

I turned 18 last year on March 9th 2010. I was a completely different person. At the time, I had just gotten my GED. I was striving to do better for myself. I had officially come to terms with my sexuality. Not only was I completely OK with it, I was damn proud of it. I was a Pagan. I practiced witchcraft and shamanism semi regularly. I was angry with the world. I hated Christianity, and I hated almost every Christian. At the time, I'm pretty sure I was set on becoming an English teacher and writing books on the side. I was working at a crummy job that had me selling knives to people who didn't want them. I faced corporate america for the first time in my life, and I hated it. The entire summer I went to several conferences and wasted my time away on a job that was never worth it.

That April was the first time I had talked to Garrett in years. I don't even remember how our conversation went but apparently it was on Christianity and I helped catapult him into it. We talked/argued every once in a while but not very often. At least not until around October. That's when we started talking often and all night. Little did I know these were the conversations that would inevitably lead me up to the point I'm at now.

Towards the end of that November closer to the beginning of December I went to a bible study for the first time ever. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was in "enemy territory". I was out of my element. But I claimed to be open minded, and as such I went through with it and went in with a completely open mind. I refused to be the same as the ignorant christians who gave me such a terrible world view on Christians and Christianity ( of course back then any Christian was that kind of Christian). I learned quite a bit that night. I learned that some Christians are actually genuinely nice people. That the love of God is something bigger than people, and that you can notice who is channeling that and who isn't. I felt so at home there. I felt loved. I hadn't felt that way in so long.

I didn't think I would continue to go to these bible studies, but I did. Little did I know I would end up forming a relationship with God. Little did I know I would actually read the bible, which is something I would have preferred to burn because of 6 little verses in that book. I've made a great group of friends through these people. People that mean a great deal to me. Probably more to me than I to them. They, along with God, have completely flipped my world upside down. I'm completely opposite at this point.

Last month I went to church for the first time since I was....11ish?  I enjoyed it. It was different from catholic mass. I would go again. I've been to a Christian counselor, which is something I never thought I would do. I enjoy it too. I tried calamari because of Garrett, which you would think has nothing to do with this. But the fact that i had to be open minded to that idea, sparked something in me that inevitably led me to being open minded to a relationship with God. I talk to God now. What? I used to talk trash about God before. I remember the first time I even spoke to Alejandro and Krestan I sent them terrible messages about how they better not try converting me. I was terrible.

Fast forward to today. My 19th birthday. Not only do I believe in God, and have a relationship with him. Because of Him I have a new found love for my sexuality. I'm proud, but in a way that I'm a beautiful piece of Gods variety on this planet. I have a great group of new friends to add to my already amazing friends I have. None of my friends, christian or otherwise, would I trade for anything. I can proudly say that for every single one of my friends I would die for them. All of them. Because I am that darn proud of them. I love them all, and wouldn't be where I am today without them.

I have 6 more years to live now. 6 Long but short years. Yes, you may think it odd that I plan to die at 25. But it's not. It's not even suicidal. It's just a complete realization that once I'm 25 I'm content with leaving this all behind. That's not to say that I hate my life or that I hate the world I live in or hate the people I know. I love all of that.I don't even plan to kill myself or anything suicidal or crazy like that. I don't find this odd at all. I wish my friends understood why it's not weird to me. I think it's perfect. Because I have only 6 years left, I'm making damn sure that I'm going to be making the most out of it. The best way to do that is spend time with my friends. I don't care if we're just grabbing lunch, or if we're going across the world together. Just being with my friends makes it all worth it.


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