Today I'm having a semi-philosophical day. It's been odd. My mind's not in my body right now, it's an odd feeling. I went to church for the first time today since..... I was 10 or 11 I think. To put that in perspective, I'm turning 19 in 2 weeks. To further this I've never attended a non-catholic church before ( except for once but I hardly remember it). I went with a good friend who invited me. Him and his family go to a small little gathering inside a school gymnasium.
I wasn't expecting much. Nothing was unexpected. One thing I loved about it was the feeling of family. You could tell that today was a day of family and love for everyone, and despite me not having any family I did feel like they welcomed me into their family for the day. It was a nice feeling to feel loved by everyone. I sadly don't really get that feeling of family with my own.
One thing that slightly bothers me is the feeling of brainwashing that goes along with christianity. They talk about spreading the word and 'funneling' God through yourself into others ( obviously non-believers) and saving people that way. Kind of annoys me, because it feels like a point system. It should never be a point system. I think with matters of the soul, a point system turns things into a game. It's not real anymore. It loses its meaning. I don't want to be another point on the scoreboard. I want to be of value. I want to feel of worth after that leap of faith. That's why elevation bothers me, and some other church's. They boast about their numbers and how many people they save, and that bothers me.
Then me and my buddy had lunch and I got some books from him. One was called Crazy Love, which is a book I've been wanting to read for a while. I start reading it, and it's pretty obviously directed towards Christians, and I don't know that I would even consider myself a Christian at this point in my journey. But I push through and then read a chapter. There are videos that you can watch online with each chapter and one of those I'm posting at the bottom of this blog because of how it completely changed my perspective on not only life, but everything about life. Life is unbelievable. It is so incredible words can't even describe it, and the fact there is even MORE to life than what we see is so unbelievable it could bring me to tears.
None of that really hit me until I decided to be nice and run down to wendy's to get my dad and brother something to eat. I don't know if you've walked outside your house yet today, but it's around 75 degrees with a nice cool breeze and a decent amount of cloud coverage and the sun is just shining brightly. So basically, it's the perfect day to live. And as I'm driving, listening to my new adele cd and jamming to it, I can't help but admire His world. The world we live in. The universe. It's all so beautiful in spectacular and unbelievable. He's the perfect artist, honestly. Which is why my head is in a funk now. I feel as though I let God into my heart for the first time and saw the world through his eyes, which completely changed my perspective on things.I've felt more emotion today than usual. I'm not completely apathetic. I'm not a zombie. I'm ALIVE for the first time in a very long time. Not only do I love this feeling, but I want to feel this every single day.
Now I realize this sounds mooshy and gross and everything. And who on Earth would expect to hear me say good things about God? Especially in the way I just did. I can tell you I never expected it. So I apologize if you don't like how i'm getting to know God and so I'm writing about it, but this is my personal therapy so you'll just have to bear with me through it.
Love ya guys