A Season of Change

So last night was my last night at bible study. I had decided this a week ago. I think at some point with everything, you know when it's time to end something. When it's time to move on from one spot in your life and into another one. That's how this was. I wasn't running from it. I wasn't quiting or giving up. It was simply time to move on, and that's why it wasn't a terrible thing to leave.

The night before I was trying to sleep, but realized I had so much I wanted to say before I left to everyone, but I could never tell everyone about everything on my mind. Especially considering I don't do public speaking often. However, in the middle of the night I sat down and drew up an outline of everything important that I wanted to leave the group with. I printed out statistics on everything. I wanted everyone to know exactly the kind of impact they can make on people like me.

So I go to the bible study and the normal stuff commences. When everythings over I get to do my speech. I literally had nothing written out. Just points to go over and to keep me moving so I don't get lost. I wanted everyone to know just how thankful I truly was for them being such a big part of my life and leaving such an impact on me. But more importantly, I wanted them to know statistically the impact of what they could say leaves on LGBT youth. I wanted to give them the absurd numbers on LGBT youth suicide, depression, substance abuse, and more. And furthermore, I wanted everyone to know that I was a part of that statistic and that a lot of that was because of the contribution of christianity ( And their Gods word). I ended up crying in front of a group of people. I was slightly uncomfortable. It was slightly awkward. It was remarkably necessary.

I don't think many Christian people realize that when they say things like "Gays will end up in hell" and things of that nature, even if the verses that the bible uses those things in include other sins as well, that it rips apart LGBT peoples self worth and self esteem. To feel like there is no reason to live because you bring nothing to life, and so your existence is unnecessary... that is a terrible thing to feel like. I know because I've been there. I want people to be aware that the Bible makes people feel that way.

I was really and truly hoping to at least open up some of their eyes even slightly that this is not a behavioral issue. This is not a choice. This is not a demon working inside of me. Homosexuality is as much as part of me as my hair color. I did not choose to have brown hair, and yet I have it. If someone walked up to you and told you that you would spend eternity burning because you were born with brown hair and this was repeated daily throughout your life, you would find reason to believe that because of that difference from the majority of the world, you have no reason to live.

However, it very clearly became apparent that this was not at all an impact I made on anyone there.

They wanted to pray and whatnot for me, so I allowed it because I don't really care. However a good portion of it was about leading me "out of this sin" and to fight this "Behavioral issue" and whatever other ways you can think of to say that. That's not to say there wasn't nice prayers either like "Bringing loving people into his life". I could definitely always use that. But my point being is that no one ever hears me when I'm talking to them at that bible study. I can sit there and pour my entire heart out and cry in front of a group of people, and no one is seeing that this is not and never has been a choice. It's not something that can be changed. It's the philosophy that it can and should be changed that leads so many LGBT youth trapped in overbearing Christian homes to suicide. It's a damn shame it has to be like that too.

I suppose I had my hopes up. I suppose I wanted more out of people than I should expect to get.

A conversation then occurred shortly after we all broke up that left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I felt like my entire speech was completely ripped apart and that everything had been taken the wrong way. When I talk about LGBT suicide rates, I'm not making other suicide victims less worthy of my time. I'm pointing out that LGBT youth are more likely to commit suicide because of society. I was then essentially told that if I wasn't saved by "the grace of God" that I would burn eternally. I was told that I can put as much faith in the power of Love as I want, but I will still burn eternally. When I said that I didn't care about hell and that I wasn't going to worry about what happens after I die, I was told that I should worry and that one day I will be kneeling before God and being judged by him to burn eternally if I don't worry. All of this was said through eyes cold as ice, not warm and heartfelt. I really should of stood up for myself and said something, but I did not at all feel like having any more attention on myself.

So after that conversation, through a battle of fighting off tears, I stuck around for about a half hour or so. Then I went home crying. Crying because I poured my heart out but it seems like no one understood my point. That nothing I was trying to convey, was conveyed. It was all for naught and I'm slightly disappointed by that. I'm also slightly disappointed it ended on such a sour note.

(Edit:) I've decided that as much as I love these people, I cannot consider them friends. "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." This rings true here. None of the people at that group support me. None of them will be there when I get married. None of them will help me with relationship problems. And none of them will accept the person I love. Because of that, I cannot consider these people more than acquaintances, which is quite disappointing. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but some people would rather follow in blind faith than listen to their friend pour their heart out to them and accept what he's saying as possibly true. If you can't truly love me like I have you, then forget it. 

This is probably my last blog in this blog series. The title is "My lifes journey" but really the entire thing has been about a short journey with a group of people who changed my life. Now that my time with that group has come to an end I feel that so should this blog, until I open a new one up at least.

Thanks to everyone who read each blog post. You've been with me on my own little lifetime movie, and I appreciate it. It makes this blog feel like it has meaning, and it's good to know that i'm not just writing to myself all the time.

-Chad

Uptight People

Something has been bothering me lately. It's that people can be so freaking uptight. I just don't understand why other people are so obsessed with controlling the world around them and the people around them. Here's a list of what bothers me about such uptight people.

1. Sexuality. Obviously. But I mean really, why are people so fixated on making sure everyone is heterosexual. It's really not a big deal. So a guy kissed a guy or a girl kissed a girl or a person will kiss both sexes. I mean, does it matter? Are they forcing it on you? Are you in some way being forced into doing that? No? You aren't? Well then, why the fuck are you going to make such a big deal out of it. You can not like it because of your religious beliefs all you want, but you should at least tolerate it enough to let those people be treated equally. Just don't go to their weddings and avoid double dating with them if it bothers you. My goodness, it isn't that huge of a deal.

2. Nudity. I don't know why but people have such a big problem with nudity. I mean honestly, I don't get why people associate nudity with sex. It's not the same unless you make it that way. We come into this world naked, and no one's like "Oh man look at that babies vagina, they need a diaper right this second so that I don't get turned on". Because everyone knows that's wrong. Why isn't it the same as we age? Someone can stand in front of me naked and I'd just sit there and say "Oh their naked. Ok. Cool beans. I'm glad they're that comfortable." it's not a big deal at all. Why make it into one?

3. Language. So what if I say the word fuck a lot? Don't say it if you don't like it, it's really that simple. Unless I'm saying "Fuck you" you shouldn't be taking it offensively in the first place.

4. Music. I just don't understand why you're gonna get pissy about music, and then throw your music at me. I don't like certain types of music, but if you ask me to listen I'll give it a listen. If I don't like it I'll let ya know, but I'm not going to be pissed off at you for showing it to me. Don't jump down about my throat when I show you music if you're going to show me music that you know I probably won't like. That's hypocritical and that annoys the hell out of me.

I just don't get it. People take things so freaking seriously, and I don't see how people can claim to be happy and live their life in love when they're so uptight about everything. No, you aren't happy and you aren't loving if you can't handle all of these things. If these things bug you to where you're going to bitch about them, you aren't happy and you aren't loving. So shut up.

And that's just how I feel.

Grabbing life by the Balls.

My posts recently have been absolutely depressing. I mean my last one was about suicide. It's stuff that needed to get out. I was closing one door of my life to open up another one. I'm in a remarkably good mood right now, and I've kind of had the perfect day today. For the entire week I've been REALLY looking forward to Sunday because I wanted to go to Church really badly for some reason. Not necessarily for the sermon or anything, but so that I can just be in Gods presence and really feel it.

So today I did just that. I dressed up classy, went to Church, Didn't agree with about 40% of what was said, but took God out of all of it. I got God. I got my dose of never ending Love today, and that'll keep me pushing for a while. It was just what I needed. I got to be surrounded by loving people, who I disagree with on so many topics but still get along with so well. They're like family at this point and I love them all. Even their family is like my family now haha. It was just amazing.

Got home and had nothing to do so tried finding SOMETHING to do, and finally a friend texted me and we went to Amelies. Spent the entire day with him and another great friend just talking, sippin' on a latte, smokin', and embracing the great weather and life. I saw a community trying to build themselves up to be something better than what they appeared to be through flea markets. I saw the love they had in all of that and how it didn't matter who came up, everyone was just a person and they were treated with the same amount of love. I heard a story about a random act of kindness where someone paid for someone elses meal who was less fortunate ( not financially) and who just wanted the guy to know that God loved him. People were showing love today, and I was just consumed by that love and thrown into it as well. I saw a glimpse of what a perfect world could look like. I want that world. I refuse to strive for anything less.

I'm grabbing life by the balls. I'm getting into school in the fall dammit. I'm going to be a journalist. I'm going to study under someone. Talk to actual journalists. I'm going to network. I'm going to find connections. I'm going to work hard to improve the community I live in. I'm going to fight hard to make sure every person knows that they are loved and that people are out there that care about every single one of them. Every homeless person. Every family member stuck in domestic violence. Every depressed teen. Every person deserves to feel loved, and I refuse to give anything less than that. I refuse to let hate consume me, regardless of how horrible some humans can be and how pissed off they can make me. I will learn to love them just as much as everyone else.

I cannot explain to you guys how excited I am for this sudden burst of enthusiasm. I refuse to let it just disappear with sleep or through work. It'll only improve through those things. My faith and relationship with God will grow from this. My friendships will grow from this. My career will grow from this. My education will grow from this. I'm growing, and I can't wait until I blossom into a gorgeous flower in this spectacular garden of people.

The Never Ending Battle

So I realize that what I'm about to talk about could likely send me to a mental institution. I realize that some of it could heavily influence my life. I realize that it may upset people, and for a lot of people this won't be easy to hear. Acknowledging these things, I also realize I've held all of this in for far too long and really need to let it out. We're going to talk about suicide.

I've been suicidal since the 5th grade. Really a bit before that because I had realized my sexuality but I wasn't sure how to handle it, but it wasn't until I was made fun of it that I wanted to end my life. Ever since those first reoccurring thoughts it has been something that consistently pours into my head. It comes in phases and it can come out of no where. When I was first suicidal, I would think about all the ways that I would do it. Pain wasn't an option, I had decided I had to go out with pills or something that would take me out quick. I was just too scared. One time I tried electrocuting myself by sticking tweezers in an outlet, but it really just shut off the power for the entire street which was just plain embarrassing. At one point I ended up telling someone online about how I wanted to kill myself and they ended up contacting the authorities who then came to my door and ended up yelling at me about how they'll take me away if I say anything like that anymore. Yeah Mr. Cop. Yelling at me will make the 12 year old suicidal kid feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Eventually I ended up in therapy and put on anti depressants which did absolutely nothing but put me to sleep and make me apathetic to the world. So I ended up not taking those and wearing a plastic smile around and pretending I was chipper. That lasted a bit I guess, but then I got suicidal again. Eventually I turned to drugs and cigarettes and such. Not all the time, just casually and usually only when I was really depressed. I ended up going to a therapist I really really liked and it helped. I was genuinely happy for a while. Aside from my immense hate towards Christians because of years or persecution. So I lived my life generally happy until I turned 18 and then I met some people and my life kind of changed a bit because God entered the equation.

At first everything was going well but then it started going down further and further and further. I never really expressed exactly how hard it was to anyone and how much it hurt and how upset I was getting because not even I completely understood because I had lived so happily for a while. Then I started doing some more hardcore drugs and things began to happen. I wanted to kill myself again, but it was never a depressing thing anymore. After years of struggling with suicide it's so much easier to not talk yourself out of it. It's so easy to just laugh about killing yourself. It's so easy to plan it out. I even set a generalized Date.
I want to die at 25. Everyone thinks this is a joke and I laugh along with them, but I'm pretty content on really actually dying at 25. I've also decided I can't go out any normal way. Hanging yourself or cutting your wrists in a bathtub or jumping off a building are so cliche and boring. I've decided I either have to be in a major car crash where my car flies off the roof of a building and my entire car explodes, or I have to be in the middle of a terrible helicopter accident. Anything remarkably crazy really, because going out any other way just ruins the fun of it.

This all sounds remarkably insane I know, but if these are the thoughts that go on in your head 24/7 for years and years and you can't talk to anyone because you're afraid you may be punished for hating yourself, you tend to grow accustomed to it and it becomes normal. It's sad that because of this blog and me finally releasing how I feel to the world, that I could lose my Job. I could lose friends. I could lose my life if i'm sent off to some mental institution instead of people just talking to me. It's really sad that this is how society handles suicidal people, and expects them to be gracious they even did that for them. What kind of world do we live in where that is ok.

Edit: I'd also like to point out that I didn't write this for anyones sympathy. I wrote it because I've never actually even be able to express this and because it's been on my mind lately, and it needs to be said. I honestly don't think I'm the only suicidal person on this planet to think this way, and I honestly don't think I need to be hospitalized. It's just a struggle I have to work through, and that's all it is. I'm tired of hiding this stuff, when it's something that directly affects how I'm going to probably be treating everyone else.

I said I wouldn't, but I did.

How do you handle depression over and over in your life?
How do you handle change?
How do you change every fiber of your being?
How do you feel so alone, even when you have so many people saying they're there for you?
How do you not cry, when all you can do is cry inside?
How do you even wake up in the morning these days?

Why can't this be less painful?
Why couldn't I have avoided this whole situation?
Why do I have to be so far gone?
Why do I have to be the scum beneath His boots?
Why can't I just let go?
Why can't I just decide to quit or keep going?

When will I stop being such an idiot?
When will I just pick what I need to do for myself?
When will I stop building so many walls?
When will I stop feeling so much pain?

I thought you said you didn't understand?

Mmmm. I cannot believe people these days. I just don't. How can so many people who once told me they can never understand what I have gone through or what I would have to go through to become a christian, suddenly turn around and tell me they somehow understand now and that I was born gay " to change " and so now they have an answer and somehow understand? No. You fucking admitted to not understanding. You have no idea the first thing about sexuality, all your minds can do is wrap it around sex. That's all it seems to be to you, is attraction and sex. That's not even the first thing about sexuality, those are the very least important parts of sexuality. Clearly you can't wrap your mind around this, you don't understand at all. STOP PRETENDING YOU DO. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE ANSWERS WHEN YOU DON'T. Your Bible may say something, but when it comes to homosexuality it DOES.NOT.LINE.UP.

I mean honestly, what reason do I have to lie about this? If it was as simple as sex and attraction and something simply physical, I wouldn't care about giving that up. I'd be fucking straight by now. I can convince myself to be attracted to just about anything if I wanted, but I know what I am deep down right on the outside of my gender identity is my sexual orientation. Those two things wrap around my soul. IT IS THAT DEEP.

You can sit there and say that "It's the word of God and so it's what is true and you just have to accept it" all you fucking want, but that doesn't change anything. If the bible said that there was no such thing as red hair, and you saw someone with red hair would you believe it? No. Hell no. Unless you are Gay, you have no damn room to talk. This is between me and God and you need to stay the fuck out of it. I'm tired of it.

I didn't let you people close to me so that you could hurt me with the thing that drove me away from christians and into a hateful mindset with all christian people. I let you close to me so you could love me and show me Gods love. Gods love. GODS LOVE. That's all. NOT HIS JUDGMENT. I'll get plenty of that when I died, until then leave me alone about that. Don't judge me. There are SO many things I could say to you all and judge you for, but I don't. It's not my place. You can deal with that at the end as well. Just leave me the hell alone.

It's for this reason that I'm so done with dealing with God with any of you people. If I have a question about God or anything pertaining to Him, I will either A. Ask him myself or B. Find someone else in a different community. I can't rely on you all anymore. I don't want to be a part of anything relating to God with anyone I have been lately. I'm just done, it's left such a sour taste in my mouth it's ridiculous. We can hang out anytime, I love you guys as people, I can't stand talking about God with any of you anymore. So we can go out to eat and see movies and all that jazz, but don't invite me to bible studies or church or anything like that because I will shoot it down before you finish your sentence.

Clearly I'm in this alone, the community aspect of christianity is officially GONE.

Vlog numero uno. My Sexuality

Broken

I've come to the realization that I'm a broken man. I have nothing. I have no achievements to my name. I have accomplished next to nothing in my life. I work a dead end job. I'm not in school. I have nothing going for me. To top it all off I'm an emotional wreck. There is something I really want, that I know will save me from myself. But I can't do everything in the order people expect me to do it. When I explain this to people, they sit there and tell me to not worry about what people say. Well I'm sorry, but I do. Half the time it hurts and it turns me away. It hurts a hell of a lot.

For a short time I turned to God. I didn't give up everything. I didn't give up anything but the negative emotions and feelings I had. I didn't give up anything but the things I had that weighed me down on a deep deep level. For a short time I was remarkably happy. People noticed it too. Then I started feeling like people expected me to get rid of things like Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex. Physical things. Things that never really held me back from forming a relationship. Then I started turning away again. I started running. Then I'd stop and look back and walk a couple steps back to where I was. Then I'd hit that same wall with people and run away further again.

I don't know how much of this running and then walking back to run again I can handle. I am torn apart. TORN. I have nothing left. I cannot even handle it. It's under my skin like no other. Here I am writing this blog on the eve before bible study and I still don't know if I should go or not. I want to. I want to badly. But I'm too afraid of going back again. I take what people say too personally. I can't do what people expect. I can only do what I can do.

I just wish I could go into that room tomorrow night and feel welcomed and not put on a face. I wish I could walk in and be genuinely happy, and not feel the need to cry as soon as I see everyone. I wish I could just be there and know that my journey is my personal journey and that no one will be thinking of me differently or wanting to fix me. I want people to just see me and say "Hey that's Chad, he's a swell guy and I'm glad to call him a friend who I can go to in my times of need, as he can do with me". I don't want to read their faces and know exactly how they think of me. I'm tired of this insane empathetic ability to feel emotions below a fake emotion. I hate knowing how people really feel. It makes things so much harder.

Now I just have to decide if I should walk into that room for a possible last time, or to just hide.

Building up those Walls

This will likely be short, because again I'm getting ready for work.

Once upon a time, I wrote a little blog about breaking down the walls in my life. While that was nice and dandy for a time, it ended up backfiring and I completely regret it. I learned a lot by doing so, and I learned who God is. However, it did a couple of terrible terrible things to me. I felt emotions more after I broke down some of those walls. I let people in and let them close to me too much after I broke down those walls. I let God speak to me after breaking those walls, probably the biggest mistake. Now I can't handle anything and it's all because I broke down my barriers to life.

I let all kinds of new and old people closer to me than I've ever let people before, and it backfired. Some disappointed me, others didn't. Either way they were close enough to severely impact my life. They're always on my mind, and I don't know how I feel about that. They are pivotal in my life. They make up a great majority of the things I do now, and I don't know what to do without them now. This is BAD. I can't handle being this close to people. I need a wall to separate those emotional attachments.

Now I feel emotions. For years I didn't cry at all. For years death didn't even phase me. For years I was numb. Now I feel things, and it's not fun anymore. I cry all the time and I am remarkably bipolar. I don't want to feel anymore, I want to be numb again. I forsee myself resorting to drugs in the future to numb myself because it's going to take a while to build up that wall again.

The worst part was letting God in. I broke that Gigantic wall down that I built up over at least a decade and let God through. And now he won't stop. When it's quiet at work and no one's around and I'm just doing my thing, he talks to me. He pesters me. He tells me what I know in my heart already, but I can't do what he wants from me. I just can't. Before I acknowledged what he wanted, I just didn't care because of the wall. Now I care, but I can't do what he wants so it's impossible and painful. So now I'm going to have to try to build this wall up all over again to keep God out, and as I type this i'm having little panic attacks at the idea of it because that's how much I care. But there is just some things I can't do for God, and I guess I'll just accept going to hell for that.

I'm a dumb ass!

So. Yeah. I don't even know how to start off this one. I've had a long week. All this past week I've been thinking about just everything that's happened up until this point. I've realized a couple things which led me to the decision I've made.

First, the only reason I went along with any of this God stuff is because I took encouragement and turned it into a giant ego. Every time I did something to forward a relationship with God, people praised me and encouraged me and told me how proud they were. Well, when you grow up getting very little of any of that sometimes that can get to your head. Now I'll be honest, I'm not 100% sure on this, but I'm pretty sure I subconsciously acknowledged that I can get that happy feeling from those things from doing exactly what they want from me. So I did just that. I continued going to the Bible studies. I went to more than one. I went to a christian counselor. I went to church. Yes, I did learn things from all of these things. But my subconscious was pushing my conscious to do those things and to seek for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't JUST seeking God to know God, I was seeking God to know God and get praised as well. That's wrong, and I shouldn't have ever done that and I have always considered this idea but everyone told me I was wrong, but I seriously question that.

Second, I cannot take the bible as truth. I read it consistently lately, and every time I leave it down feeling worse than I did when I started reading it. It tears me apart, and not in a convicting way, but in a "Wow, what kind of God would encourage this stuff?" Kind of way. None of it makes sense to me, nor do I like any of it. It's a book. I cannot take it for more than that. Not only is it just a book, but it's a book with terribly written stories that encourage discrimination, ignorance, and prejudice. I don't want to be affiliated with that, sorry.

Third, I am not a Christian deep down. I just don't feel it. The entire fabric of Christianity feels so wrong in me. Deep down if I'm anything, it's a Pagan. I feel attached to nature and the natural world way to much. The elements speak to me more than any God ever has. The spirits beyond this world comfort me in ways God never has. I've seen these things as well, and I can't see God. There is just something remarkably peaceful and attuned to me specifically when it comes to Paganism. It's that simple, and I can't really put it any other way. When I try to conform to Christianity and what God wants, It feels wrong. It feels like I'm putting on a mask, I hate that feeling.

Fourth, while I know a select few good Christians.... there are tens of thousands of terrible ones out there. They like to attack me. They like to put me down and then kick the dirt in my face. Usually through facebook, because it's easy to be a tough guy when you aren't looking at the person you're persecuting and bullying. But it's cool, you can tell me I'm going to go to hell. You can call me a fool. You can call me an idiot. But I'm not the one looking stupid, and all you did is drive me away from God and help solidify my decision that night.

So to end this I just don't think God is for me. I mean, I may keep a personal relationship with Him. But.... it's not something I would speak to any of my christian friends about because not only will they not believe anything I say, they won't agree with anything I say. It would be pointless to talk to them about any relationship I form with God, especially if it doesn't follow "His word". I'm not quite sure how this will affect my friendships with all of them. I love them all, but sometimes I feel like God was the only piece of thread holding us together. Will they care to hang out with me, or get to know the Chad without the mask on? He's the biggest sinner out of the group and he doesn't care, can they handle that? I don't know. I hope so. It's too soon for any of these friendships to end, but I just don't think I can do what they want of me. It's my soul. my life. I just hope they can respect my decisions and at least be somewhat supportive...

19 Years and counting

Today is March 9th 2011. I'm officially 19 years old. I'm a year away from being two entire decades old. My life is flashing by and I don't even know how to handle it at this point. So I'm doing what I enjoy doing and blogging about it all. I'm going through this past year now.

I turned 18 last year on March 9th 2010. I was a completely different person. At the time, I had just gotten my GED. I was striving to do better for myself. I had officially come to terms with my sexuality. Not only was I completely OK with it, I was damn proud of it. I was a Pagan. I practiced witchcraft and shamanism semi regularly. I was angry with the world. I hated Christianity, and I hated almost every Christian. At the time, I'm pretty sure I was set on becoming an English teacher and writing books on the side. I was working at a crummy job that had me selling knives to people who didn't want them. I faced corporate america for the first time in my life, and I hated it. The entire summer I went to several conferences and wasted my time away on a job that was never worth it.

That April was the first time I had talked to Garrett in years. I don't even remember how our conversation went but apparently it was on Christianity and I helped catapult him into it. We talked/argued every once in a while but not very often. At least not until around October. That's when we started talking often and all night. Little did I know these were the conversations that would inevitably lead me up to the point I'm at now.

Towards the end of that November closer to the beginning of December I went to a bible study for the first time ever. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was in "enemy territory". I was out of my element. But I claimed to be open minded, and as such I went through with it and went in with a completely open mind. I refused to be the same as the ignorant christians who gave me such a terrible world view on Christians and Christianity ( of course back then any Christian was that kind of Christian). I learned quite a bit that night. I learned that some Christians are actually genuinely nice people. That the love of God is something bigger than people, and that you can notice who is channeling that and who isn't. I felt so at home there. I felt loved. I hadn't felt that way in so long.

I didn't think I would continue to go to these bible studies, but I did. Little did I know I would end up forming a relationship with God. Little did I know I would actually read the bible, which is something I would have preferred to burn because of 6 little verses in that book. I've made a great group of friends through these people. People that mean a great deal to me. Probably more to me than I to them. They, along with God, have completely flipped my world upside down. I'm completely opposite at this point.

Last month I went to church for the first time since I was....11ish?  I enjoyed it. It was different from catholic mass. I would go again. I've been to a Christian counselor, which is something I never thought I would do. I enjoy it too. I tried calamari because of Garrett, which you would think has nothing to do with this. But the fact that i had to be open minded to that idea, sparked something in me that inevitably led me to being open minded to a relationship with God. I talk to God now. What? I used to talk trash about God before. I remember the first time I even spoke to Alejandro and Krestan I sent them terrible messages about how they better not try converting me. I was terrible.

Fast forward to today. My 19th birthday. Not only do I believe in God, and have a relationship with him. Because of Him I have a new found love for my sexuality. I'm proud, but in a way that I'm a beautiful piece of Gods variety on this planet. I have a great group of new friends to add to my already amazing friends I have. None of my friends, christian or otherwise, would I trade for anything. I can proudly say that for every single one of my friends I would die for them. All of them. Because I am that darn proud of them. I love them all, and wouldn't be where I am today without them.

I have 6 more years to live now. 6 Long but short years. Yes, you may think it odd that I plan to die at 25. But it's not. It's not even suicidal. It's just a complete realization that once I'm 25 I'm content with leaving this all behind. That's not to say that I hate my life or that I hate the world I live in or hate the people I know. I love all of that.I don't even plan to kill myself or anything suicidal or crazy like that. I don't find this odd at all. I wish my friends understood why it's not weird to me. I think it's perfect. Because I have only 6 years left, I'm making damn sure that I'm going to be making the most out of it. The best way to do that is spend time with my friends. I don't care if we're just grabbing lunch, or if we're going across the world together. Just being with my friends makes it all worth it.

-Chad

Unbelievable

Today I'm having a semi-philosophical day. It's been odd. My mind's not in my body right now, it's an odd feeling. I went to church for the first time today since..... I was 10 or 11 I think. To put that in perspective, I'm turning 19 in 2 weeks. To further this I've never attended a non-catholic church before ( except for once but I hardly remember it). I went with a good friend who invited me. Him and his family go to a small little gathering inside a school gymnasium.

I wasn't expecting much. Nothing was unexpected. One thing I loved about it was the feeling of family. You could tell that today was a day of family and love for everyone, and despite me not having any family I did feel like they welcomed me into their family for the day. It was a nice feeling to feel loved by everyone. I sadly don't really get that feeling of family with my own.

One thing that slightly bothers me is the feeling of brainwashing that goes along with christianity. They talk about spreading the word and 'funneling' God through yourself into others ( obviously non-believers) and saving people that way. Kind of annoys me, because it feels like a point system. It should never be a point system. I think with matters of the soul, a point system turns things into a game. It's not real anymore. It loses its meaning. I don't want to be another point on the scoreboard. I want to be of value. I want to feel of worth after that leap of faith. That's why elevation bothers me, and some other church's. They boast about their numbers and how many people they save, and that bothers me.

Then me and my buddy had lunch and I got some books from him. One was called Crazy Love, which is a book I've been wanting to read for a while. I start reading it, and it's pretty obviously directed towards Christians, and I don't know that I would even consider myself a Christian at this point in my journey. But I push through and then read a chapter. There are videos that you can watch online with each chapter and one of those I'm posting at the bottom of this blog because of how it completely changed my perspective on not only life, but everything about life. Life is unbelievable. It is so incredible words can't even describe it, and the fact there is even MORE to life than what we see is so unbelievable it could bring me to tears.

None of that really hit me until I decided to be nice and run down to wendy's to get my dad and brother something to eat. I don't know if you've walked outside your house yet today, but it's around 75 degrees with a nice cool breeze and a decent amount of cloud coverage and the sun is just shining brightly. So basically, it's the perfect day to live. And as I'm driving, listening to my new adele cd and jamming to it, I can't help but admire His world. The world we live in. The universe. It's all so beautiful in spectacular and unbelievable. He's the perfect artist, honestly. Which is why my head is in a funk now. I feel as though I let God into my heart for the first time and saw the world through his eyes, which completely changed my perspective on things.I've felt more emotion today than usual. I'm not completely apathetic. I'm not a zombie. I'm ALIVE for the first time in a very long time. Not only do I love this feeling, but I want to feel this every single day.

Now I realize this sounds mooshy and gross and everything. And who on Earth would expect to hear me say good things about God? Especially in the way I just did. I can tell you I never expected it. So I apologize if you don't like how i'm getting to know God and so I'm writing about it, but this is my personal therapy so you'll just have to bear with me through it.

Love ya guys
- Chad

A Leap of Faith

This blog may be kind of short. Reason being I have to leave for work in 36 minutes and I have a toothbrush in my mouth still getting ready. But I just need to get this off my chest.

I am taking a giant leap into something I never thought I would. I'm doing something that goes against EVERYTHING I once stood for. I am breaking down this wall that is holding me back from being happy. What am I doing you may ask? Well.... I'm accepting God into my life. Into my heart. Completely.

I'm tired of being in control. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of everything being up to me. I'm tired of rejecting. More than ever I NEED God in my life. More than ever I WANT God in my life. I want to worship, and I want to pray, and I want to be the person I've always been. The person I fought and stuffed away for so many long years because of the type of rejection I got from people who called themselves Christians.

My stuffing is over. I'm being who I really am. Not a Christian, but someone with a relationship with a being so much bigger than me. Someone who isn't going to condemn, because I have no right to condemn. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am. The only reason why I can't believe I'm doing this is because I let my mind think for my heart to much.

But not anymore. It's my heart doing the thinking from now on. If you're a Believer, you know exactly why too.

I'm bound to get a lot of heat from this from my friends. Family. Co workers. Even people I barely know. But for once in my life I feel true joy, and not this fake joy that I present myself with. I'll call that "Target joy". If you've ever worked retail you know why. If I'm truly happy and truly ok with what I'm doing, then the people who really care for me will show me that they do and be accepting of it.


I absolutely had to get this off my chest, and now that I have I feel so much better.


Man.... I've come a long way since my first post.

Friends

"Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test-
Time and change-are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray;
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die;
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast-
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold. "

This poem basically describes what my newest blog is going to be about. Friends, obviously from the title. But not only that but the kind of friends I have and the amount of love I have for all of them. I have a semi-small group of friends that I consider very close to me. They all know who they are I do believe. And then obviously I have my BFF Heather. I really have no idea where I would be without them. Some of my darkest moments I've gotten through because they were there. Especially when it comes to me being bullied by one particular person. Every time, they would talk it through with me and be there to help pull me back up from the darkest places I've been. 

It's because of this that I have so much respect for all of them. I will never forget a single one of them no matter where our lives take us. I will always be the shoulder they can cry on. I will never shun them for anything they do. I will be nothing but supportive of them in all of their endeavors. I really hope they know this as well. I don't want any of them to be afraid to come up to me with any problem they're having. Even if it's something I don't agree with, I want them to know that I'm the kind of friend they can come to and let it out and expect to just be comforted regardless of what it is.

However, sadly they are almost all leaving for college this fall and none of them are staying in the area for it. For obvious reasons.  I'm going to miss them all so much, they don't even know. I'll probably end up crying before they leave haha. But oddly enough, and yes I'm going to go completely against what I once stood for here, I think God has put a new group of friends in my life because he knows just as well as I do that there was no way I would have survived this coming fall without good friends. He even decided to one up me and make sure the friends he put there for me were Christians who I should not get along with for the most part AT ALL. Yet somehow, I love them all quite a lot and I haven't even known them that long. It's been maybe 3 months I'd say and I feel like I've known them for years. It's for that reason that I don't think it was just chance that I met these people.

To even go further into that each one of the people in this new group of friends personally has something they offer that is helping me grow in many ways. It ranges everywhere from Laughter to Wisdom. They all have redeeming qualities which are helping me more than I could have imagined. As I talk to each of them personally more and more, I realize exactly who I go to for what kind of problems. I know exactly how each person can help me grow. I don't know that they all acknowledge these things. But I'll be sure to let them know in time. 

I'm just so glad that I have a good group of friends to keep me alive while the ones I love leave for college. I'm proud of all of my friends graduating this year. They've worked their asses off and they deserve the best out of life. This isn't meant to be some soppy "don't leave me here by myself" blog. That would be selfish. I'm damn proud of everyone who is leaving. I wish you all the best in wherever it is you decide to go to. And just know if you ever need me, I'm a phone call away. And if it's big, I have a car to drive in. So don't hesitate.

And to my new friends, I can't wait to spend more time with all of you. Personally and as a group. 2011 is going to be such a great year for growth for me. And i'm glad you guys are going to be there for it. I couldn't ask for anyone better. I really hope you guys realize how much you all mean to me.

                              Love you all!

Tearing down the Walls.

     It's been a while since I wrote. I'm losing a bit of inspiration. A lot is going on, and my life is a spiraling roller coaster of doom and confusion, and yet somehow i'm unable to come up with something to blog about. I'll blame writers block for now. So this blog may be less exciting than any previous ones, however I feel anyone who cares to know about my selfish little life should at least get an update as to what is going on in my fragile little mind.

    So last time I wrote I'm pretty sure I told you guys that I was going to see a Christian counselor. Well I've gone to two now, so I should probably tell you guys about that first. First time was good. For the first time ever I didn't feel like I was going to hell ( Which lasted about a week and then the idea was bombarded into my head once again which is why I haven't prayed since then). It was a decent week because of that. They also had me take a 180 question test about myself. I've never evaluated my self to such an extent, it really got me thinking about who I am as a person. I also found out I'm a good test taker, I can carry on conversation while taking 180 question tests without very much hesitation.

    Skip over to the next week where I get my results. I find out that I am 91% more nervous than most adult males. 97% more Depressed. I'm inhibited ( I'm very apathetic). I'm apparently hostile, and I'm Impulsive. But I could have told you that last one. All things I kind of already figured, considering I've been working on that stuff since the 5th grade. Then I spilled the beans on my entire family life, which sounds more tragic when I talk about it than it does in my head haha. I really hated talking about it, simply because what has gone on in my life I'm pretty sure gave the people in the room reason to believe that my sexuality is behavioral based even though I was showing signs of homosexuality way before any of my family drama.

    All in all it is helping me out. I feel better letting how I feel out finally. Maybe I'll miraculously get rid of all my mental instability along the way, though I'm sure I'll be much less exciting after that. I've come to realize through all of this though that, over the years, I've built hundreds if not thousands of walls. I wear such a fake plastic smile that it's ridiculous. Not only is it a plastic smile, but it's also become a mask. Sometimes I'd even go as far as to say I've dawned an entirely new costume. I am not who I am on the inside, on the outside. So I'm trying to tear down the walls, but it's remarkably hard when you keep building them up. Every step forward I take I take a step and a half back. One moment I'm trying to build a relationship with God, the next I'm back to hating God. I build these walls so that I don't have to feel the pain that I know is coming.

    It's because of these walls that I can't even open up to my new friends. I have loads of things I'd love to talk to them about, but I can't. I wish I could open up, but I can't. I feel like I can't even be Gay in front of some of them. I'm so uneasy around people. I am completely reserved and I pull off this funny guy attitude that for the most part, isn't me. I observe everyone until I know what I can and cannot do simply so that I can't do the wrong thing, even if it's what I actually stand for. I don't think most of them truly know me, because clearly I don't even know who I am. It's remarkably painful and the only time I feel ok is when I'm drunk or high.

     The only times in my life when I am genuinely happy are the times when I am not sober. I like not being sober. I get a chance to forget about the future. I put myself in the future and worry about what's GOING to happen rather than what IS happening far to often. When I'm not sober I'm in the here and now and so I feel SO much happier. Do I sound like a drug addict/ alcoholic. Yeah probably. But I never drink/do drugs until I absolutely can't take things anymore. Surprisingly I haven't done ANYTHING in months. Which is weird considering what I'm going through. I blame not having anyone to get anything from.

    And now over the past couple days the idea that I'm going to hell has just been reinforced over and over and over into my head by so many people and things. I'm at a point where I just don't care anymore. I may just drop religion all together and just say forget it to God and forget it to Paganism as well. There's no point in any of it if nothing helps and if I'm inevitably going to feel unloved by a loving God. It's funny how when people can say things out of love and mean well, their words can hurt worse than anything any mean person has ever said to me.

Demons

    Lately I've been faced with this idea/issue of "demons". Now I quote demons because honestly, I don't believe in them. At least not in the sense of some evil force controlled by the devil to do horrible evil things.  I've been told that demons are everywhere. That they constantly attack you and everyone around you and get inside your head and put thoughts inside your head and all kinds of things. Well, I really really doubt all of these things. I've always kind of had this idea that I've always followed. If you are looking for something, you will find it in some way, shape, or form. ( Oh also, apparently demons inflict homosexuality. Ha!)

   One thing I've noticed about the people I talk to who believe in demons is that they have a moderate focus on sin, the devil, demons, hell, and everything negative within the bible. Now ask any one of these people where their focus is and they'll say God and always God, however I have a hard time believing it when a good portion of our conversations regardless of what we're talking about tend to stride into those negative things. So as I said before, if you are looking for something you will find it.

   I strongly believe that people who put a focus onto these things get themselves into situations where they can tell themselves it was the work of "demons". People who like drama, find drama. People who like entertainment, find entertainment. People who are positive, tend to have positive lives. So they validate their beliefs by putting themselves into these situations so that when they're asked about these things they can easily give you a situation in which they believe is proof enough that what they believe is true. However, it's like this for everything.

   If you look into homosexuality looking for a reason for it to be wrong or unnatural, you will find reasons. I've heard every single one of them. From the roles of genders to the bible, I've heard it all. However it's the same way for people who support homosexuality. If you want to find a reason for it to be ok, you will find a reason. From stories in the bible that may or may not be homosexual, to the difference in the sizes of brains between genders and the slight imbetween of homosexuals brains. I've heard all of those as well. No matter what, people will always validate what they want to validate. They will find the answer they want to find, one way or another.

  So really, how do we actually know what's what? Everything is based off what we want to know. And what we want to know tends to be based off the "Moral standards" of our belief systems. The people with more liberal beliefs, just so happen to be more liberal politically. The people with more conservative beliefs, just so happen to be more conservative politically.  This is why we get absolutely no where in politics and in life period.

   This begs to question why I am even doing what I am doing on this journey. I want to find the answers I want to find, which is to validate why my homosexuality is ok. It's very unlikely that I will find that in christianity or with God. So why the hell am I wasting my time with all of this? I'm not even sure. I'm clearly very persistent however on finding the unlikely answer to my questions though. And as for a side goal of opening up some new friends eyes to what may be something they haven't really considered, that's also unlikely because the word of a mere mortal doesn't exactly compare to an omnipotent immortal being in the sky. So both of my goals in my journey are equally unobtainable. But as a human I am intent on finding the answer I suppose.

  My beliefs themselves seem to not really be changing. For the most part, I believe exactly the same thing I did 6 months ago as a pagan. The only difference now is that I am no longer completely discriminatory and prejudice against Christians. But that's about the only difference. Maybe some subtle differences that I don't even remember. I'm still very guarded around Christians. I can't even let my new Christian friends in and I constantly bicker with them unknowingly. I'm just so used to it, and I don't know how to let the people in that I care about simply because of what people with the same views as them have done to me. It's an unusual situation and it's unintentional.

  I'm going to a christian counselor on Tuesday. Why I'm going I don't even know. My friend says it's to get answers to any questions I have, but whenever I think of what questions I have I can't think of any. I've asked all of the ones I really care about. I'm almost certain if I ask them again, I will only receive the same response. I used to have so much bottled up and I had questions no matter what. I ALWAYS had a question about something. But at this point I feel like any questions I have are wasted breathes and I just feel overall exasperated. I don't even have the passion I used to have. I don't have the urge to fight anymore. I have no idea why, it's not even me giving up. It's just me letting go. Which feels amazing because it's a lot of stress off my shoulders, but at the same time it's bringing a lot of stress in because I don't even know what's going on with me anymore.

   Oh well, enough mumbling for me tonight. Thanks for reading if you read. I haven't posted in a while... I've clearly been blank on most everything for quite a bit. Obviously the lack of passion has a lot to do with it as well..

Love Vs. Fear

I think it's about time to write some more. I've been on hiatus, mostly because I've been busy, but I just wasn't sure what exactly to write about. But recent events have transpired in which I've done a bit of thinking which is what always leads me here to blogspot. Now this blog is going to possibly be mushy and gross and full of love, and I apologize for it. But it's whats at the heart of a lot of issues I think.

One thing I've noticed throughout Christianity and in a good bit of Christians is a lack of love. Not necessarily just love but unconditional love, you know... the kind the Christian God is supposed to show. A lot of Christians have been coming to me telling me that anything they say that may sound judgmental or condemning is only out of love. But I have a hard time believing that. For one, if you unconditionally love someone, you don't do things that will obviously hurt them and permanently scar them. Obviously it's ok to point out when someone is doing something wrong, but to drill something into someones head that it is wrong and not ok isn't alright.

I personally believe that the reason why so many Christians lack this unconditional love is because they fear what is underlying the issue. Many of the people I speak with seem to have a problem with homosexuality, because it's very clearly pointed out in the bible to be a sin. But I think people are so afraid of sin that they forget that this "sin" that I was born with is also a part of me, and so when you condemn the sin and strike down how horrible the sin is, you are also doing the same to me personally. And it hurts. The fear of sin is the leading cause of hate caused towards people of the LGBT community. Fear produces anger and hatred, and while you may think you are just telling me how you feel about the sin, what you are really telling me is that you also hate me personally. You can argue against this notion all you want, but you can't seperate me from my orientation and as such it's striking me personally when you attack my orientation.

I have to ask though, why are you so afraid of sin? You believe in Jesus, yes? You believe Jesus died for your sins and that you will be forgiven if you live a life where you try to be sin free, yes? Then why are you so afraid of sin? Where is your faith in what you believe? I honestly have to ask why you would be afraid of sin, when you know that in the end if you live your life right you will be ok in the afterlife? So rather than be afraid of homosexuality stop focusing on the orientation itself. You need to learn to love unconditionally. Look past the sin. Love the person, don't hate the sin. Don't even acknowledge to the person that he/she is sinning. If they are a christian, they've read the bible or at least know what's going on in it. If they are sinning, they already know it. It's probably already killing them inside and it's probably already a struggle. Don't be another struggle for them by condemning them. Just love them. Be their rock. Their anchor. Be the person they can talk to and cry and let it all out to. THAT is what it means to be "Christ - Like" if you ask me.

I realize that to some people the bible says you need to acknowledge the sin. You need to inform people. People are already informed, we hear about it all the time. We know it. So don't come to me and condemn me and make me cry and feel uncomfortable when I already know everything you are already saying, it's pointless. We'll talk in circles. Just treat me the way I treat you, with love. Love EVERYONE unconditionally, and forgive people who live in sin. If you treat me with love, and can look past that sin. That's when you will impact my life. If you come at me and attack me, I will remove myself from the situation. Don't do the judging. That's Gods job. Not yours. Don't play God, I'm pretty sure he doesn't appreciate that.

It's come to my attention lately though that there ARE Christians out there who are.... you know... decent. The kind who CAN actually look past it and treat you with love. And some of these people are actually starting a movement for love. That's something I can agree with, especially in this day and age. Being a support group. Doing nice things just to be nice with no alternative motives. Being that moment in some strangers day that keeps them smiling. That's what more people should be doing. Kudos to the people involved with that.


I hope a good bit of people read this, and I hope a good bit of people reflect on how they live their lives. It's not my place to sit here and say you are living it wrong. Live it however the hell you want to, but just remember if you live it in love that you'll get further and you'll be happier more permanently. There's nothing more amazing than the power of friendship and love. So learn to cherish those things, rather than take them for granted.