Friday, April 22, 2011

A Season of Change

So last night was my last night at bible study. I had decided this a week ago. I think at some point with everything, you know when it's time to end something. When it's time to move on from one spot in your life and into another one. That's how this was. I wasn't running from it. I wasn't quiting or giving up. It was simply time to move on, and that's why it wasn't a terrible thing to leave.

The night before I was trying to sleep, but realized I had so much I wanted to say before I left to everyone, but I could never tell everyone about everything on my mind. Especially considering I don't do public speaking often. However, in the middle of the night I sat down and drew up an outline of everything important that I wanted to leave the group with. I printed out statistics on everything. I wanted everyone to know exactly the kind of impact they can make on people like me.

So I go to the bible study and the normal stuff commences. When everythings over I get to do my speech. I literally had nothing written out. Just points to go over and to keep me moving so I don't get lost. I wanted everyone to know just how thankful I truly was for them being such a big part of my life and leaving such an impact on me. But more importantly, I wanted them to know statistically the impact of what they could say leaves on LGBT youth. I wanted to give them the absurd numbers on LGBT youth suicide, depression, substance abuse, and more. And furthermore, I wanted everyone to know that I was a part of that statistic and that a lot of that was because of the contribution of christianity ( And their Gods word). I ended up crying in front of a group of people. I was slightly uncomfortable. It was slightly awkward. It was remarkably necessary.

I don't think many Christian people realize that when they say things like "Gays will end up in hell" and things of that nature, even if the verses that the bible uses those things in include other sins as well, that it rips apart LGBT peoples self worth and self esteem. To feel like there is no reason to live because you bring nothing to life, and so your existence is unnecessary... that is a terrible thing to feel like. I know because I've been there. I want people to be aware that the Bible makes people feel that way.

I was really and truly hoping to at least open up some of their eyes even slightly that this is not a behavioral issue. This is not a choice. This is not a demon working inside of me. Homosexuality is as much as part of me as my hair color. I did not choose to have brown hair, and yet I have it. If someone walked up to you and told you that you would spend eternity burning because you were born with brown hair and this was repeated daily throughout your life, you would find reason to believe that because of that difference from the majority of the world, you have no reason to live.

However, it very clearly became apparent that this was not at all an impact I made on anyone there.

They wanted to pray and whatnot for me, so I allowed it because I don't really care. However a good portion of it was about leading me "out of this sin" and to fight this "Behavioral issue" and whatever other ways you can think of to say that. That's not to say there wasn't nice prayers either like "Bringing loving people into his life". I could definitely always use that. But my point being is that no one ever hears me when I'm talking to them at that bible study. I can sit there and pour my entire heart out and cry in front of a group of people, and no one is seeing that this is not and never has been a choice. It's not something that can be changed. It's the philosophy that it can and should be changed that leads so many LGBT youth trapped in overbearing Christian homes to suicide. It's a damn shame it has to be like that too.

I suppose I had my hopes up. I suppose I wanted more out of people than I should expect to get.

A conversation then occurred shortly after we all broke up that left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I felt like my entire speech was completely ripped apart and that everything had been taken the wrong way. When I talk about LGBT suicide rates, I'm not making other suicide victims less worthy of my time. I'm pointing out that LGBT youth are more likely to commit suicide because of society. I was then essentially told that if I wasn't saved by "the grace of God" that I would burn eternally. I was told that I can put as much faith in the power of Love as I want, but I will still burn eternally. When I said that I didn't care about hell and that I wasn't going to worry about what happens after I die, I was told that I should worry and that one day I will be kneeling before God and being judged by him to burn eternally if I don't worry. All of this was said through eyes cold as ice, not warm and heartfelt. I really should of stood up for myself and said something, but I did not at all feel like having any more attention on myself.

So after that conversation, through a battle of fighting off tears, I stuck around for about a half hour or so. Then I went home crying. Crying because I poured my heart out but it seems like no one understood my point. That nothing I was trying to convey, was conveyed. It was all for naught and I'm slightly disappointed by that. I'm also slightly disappointed it ended on such a sour note.

(Edit:) I've decided that as much as I love these people, I cannot consider them friends. "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." This rings true here. None of the people at that group support me. None of them will be there when I get married. None of them will help me with relationship problems. And none of them will accept the person I love. Because of that, I cannot consider these people more than acquaintances, which is quite disappointing. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but some people would rather follow in blind faith than listen to their friend pour their heart out to them and accept what he's saying as possibly true. If you can't truly love me like I have you, then forget it. 

This is probably my last blog in this blog series. The title is "My lifes journey" but really the entire thing has been about a short journey with a group of people who changed my life. Now that my time with that group has come to an end I feel that so should this blog, until I open a new one up at least.

Thanks to everyone who read each blog post. You've been with me on my own little lifetime movie, and I appreciate it. It makes this blog feel like it has meaning, and it's good to know that i'm not just writing to myself all the time.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Uptight People

Something has been bothering me lately. It's that people can be so freaking uptight. I just don't understand why other people are so obsessed with controlling the world around them and the people around them. Here's a list of what bothers me about such uptight people.

1. Sexuality. Obviously. But I mean really, why are people so fixated on making sure everyone is heterosexual. It's really not a big deal. So a guy kissed a guy or a girl kissed a girl or a person will kiss both sexes. I mean, does it matter? Are they forcing it on you? Are you in some way being forced into doing that? No? You aren't? Well then, why the fuck are you going to make such a big deal out of it. You can not like it because of your religious beliefs all you want, but you should at least tolerate it enough to let those people be treated equally. Just don't go to their weddings and avoid double dating with them if it bothers you. My goodness, it isn't that huge of a deal.

2. Nudity. I don't know why but people have such a big problem with nudity. I mean honestly, I don't get why people associate nudity with sex. It's not the same unless you make it that way. We come into this world naked, and no one's like "Oh man look at that babies vagina, they need a diaper right this second so that I don't get turned on". Because everyone knows that's wrong. Why isn't it the same as we age? Someone can stand in front of me naked and I'd just sit there and say "Oh their naked. Ok. Cool beans. I'm glad they're that comfortable." it's not a big deal at all. Why make it into one?

3. Language. So what if I say the word fuck a lot? Don't say it if you don't like it, it's really that simple. Unless I'm saying "Fuck you" you shouldn't be taking it offensively in the first place.

4. Music. I just don't understand why you're gonna get pissy about music, and then throw your music at me. I don't like certain types of music, but if you ask me to listen I'll give it a listen. If I don't like it I'll let ya know, but I'm not going to be pissed off at you for showing it to me. Don't jump down about my throat when I show you music if you're going to show me music that you know I probably won't like. That's hypocritical and that annoys the hell out of me.

I just don't get it. People take things so freaking seriously, and I don't see how people can claim to be happy and live their life in love when they're so uptight about everything. No, you aren't happy and you aren't loving if you can't handle all of these things. If these things bug you to where you're going to bitch about them, you aren't happy and you aren't loving. So shut up.

And that's just how I feel.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Grabbing life by the Balls.

My posts recently have been absolutely depressing. I mean my last one was about suicide. It's stuff that needed to get out. I was closing one door of my life to open up another one. I'm in a remarkably good mood right now, and I've kind of had the perfect day today. For the entire week I've been REALLY looking forward to Sunday because I wanted to go to Church really badly for some reason. Not necessarily for the sermon or anything, but so that I can just be in Gods presence and really feel it.

So today I did just that. I dressed up classy, went to Church, Didn't agree with about 40% of what was said, but took God out of all of it. I got God. I got my dose of never ending Love today, and that'll keep me pushing for a while. It was just what I needed. I got to be surrounded by loving people, who I disagree with on so many topics but still get along with so well. They're like family at this point and I love them all. Even their family is like my family now haha. It was just amazing.

Got home and had nothing to do so tried finding SOMETHING to do, and finally a friend texted me and we went to Amelies. Spent the entire day with him and another great friend just talking, sippin' on a latte, smokin', and embracing the great weather and life. I saw a community trying to build themselves up to be something better than what they appeared to be through flea markets. I saw the love they had in all of that and how it didn't matter who came up, everyone was just a person and they were treated with the same amount of love. I heard a story about a random act of kindness where someone paid for someone elses meal who was less fortunate ( not financially) and who just wanted the guy to know that God loved him. People were showing love today, and I was just consumed by that love and thrown into it as well. I saw a glimpse of what a perfect world could look like. I want that world. I refuse to strive for anything less.

I'm grabbing life by the balls. I'm getting into school in the fall dammit. I'm going to be a journalist. I'm going to study under someone. Talk to actual journalists. I'm going to network. I'm going to find connections. I'm going to work hard to improve the community I live in. I'm going to fight hard to make sure every person knows that they are loved and that people are out there that care about every single one of them. Every homeless person. Every family member stuck in domestic violence. Every depressed teen. Every person deserves to feel loved, and I refuse to give anything less than that. I refuse to let hate consume me, regardless of how horrible some humans can be and how pissed off they can make me. I will learn to love them just as much as everyone else.

I cannot explain to you guys how excited I am for this sudden burst of enthusiasm. I refuse to let it just disappear with sleep or through work. It'll only improve through those things. My faith and relationship with God will grow from this. My friendships will grow from this. My career will grow from this. My education will grow from this. I'm growing, and I can't wait until I blossom into a gorgeous flower in this spectacular garden of people.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Never Ending Battle

So I realize that what I'm about to talk about could likely send me to a mental institution. I realize that some of it could heavily influence my life. I realize that it may upset people, and for a lot of people this won't be easy to hear. Acknowledging these things, I also realize I've held all of this in for far too long and really need to let it out. We're going to talk about suicide.

I've been suicidal since the 5th grade. Really a bit before that because I had realized my sexuality but I wasn't sure how to handle it, but it wasn't until I was made fun of it that I wanted to end my life. Ever since those first reoccurring thoughts it has been something that consistently pours into my head. It comes in phases and it can come out of no where. When I was first suicidal, I would think about all the ways that I would do it. Pain wasn't an option, I had decided I had to go out with pills or something that would take me out quick. I was just too scared. One time I tried electrocuting myself by sticking tweezers in an outlet, but it really just shut off the power for the entire street which was just plain embarrassing. At one point I ended up telling someone online about how I wanted to kill myself and they ended up contacting the authorities who then came to my door and ended up yelling at me about how they'll take me away if I say anything like that anymore. Yeah Mr. Cop. Yelling at me will make the 12 year old suicidal kid feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Eventually I ended up in therapy and put on anti depressants which did absolutely nothing but put me to sleep and make me apathetic to the world. So I ended up not taking those and wearing a plastic smile around and pretending I was chipper. That lasted a bit I guess, but then I got suicidal again. Eventually I turned to drugs and cigarettes and such. Not all the time, just casually and usually only when I was really depressed. I ended up going to a therapist I really really liked and it helped. I was genuinely happy for a while. Aside from my immense hate towards Christians because of years or persecution. So I lived my life generally happy until I turned 18 and then I met some people and my life kind of changed a bit because God entered the equation.

At first everything was going well but then it started going down further and further and further. I never really expressed exactly how hard it was to anyone and how much it hurt and how upset I was getting because not even I completely understood because I had lived so happily for a while. Then I started doing some more hardcore drugs and things began to happen. I wanted to kill myself again, but it was never a depressing thing anymore. After years of struggling with suicide it's so much easier to not talk yourself out of it. It's so easy to just laugh about killing yourself. It's so easy to plan it out. I even set a generalized Date.
I want to die at 25. Everyone thinks this is a joke and I laugh along with them, but I'm pretty content on really actually dying at 25. I've also decided I can't go out any normal way. Hanging yourself or cutting your wrists in a bathtub or jumping off a building are so cliche and boring. I've decided I either have to be in a major car crash where my car flies off the roof of a building and my entire car explodes, or I have to be in the middle of a terrible helicopter accident. Anything remarkably crazy really, because going out any other way just ruins the fun of it.

This all sounds remarkably insane I know, but if these are the thoughts that go on in your head 24/7 for years and years and you can't talk to anyone because you're afraid you may be punished for hating yourself, you tend to grow accustomed to it and it becomes normal. It's sad that because of this blog and me finally releasing how I feel to the world, that I could lose my Job. I could lose friends. I could lose my life if i'm sent off to some mental institution instead of people just talking to me. It's really sad that this is how society handles suicidal people, and expects them to be gracious they even did that for them. What kind of world do we live in where that is ok.

Edit: I'd also like to point out that I didn't write this for anyones sympathy. I wrote it because I've never actually even be able to express this and because it's been on my mind lately, and it needs to be said. I honestly don't think I'm the only suicidal person on this planet to think this way, and I honestly don't think I need to be hospitalized. It's just a struggle I have to work through, and that's all it is. I'm tired of hiding this stuff, when it's something that directly affects how I'm going to probably be treating everyone else.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

I said I wouldn't, but I did.

How do you handle depression over and over in your life?
How do you handle change?
How do you change every fiber of your being?
How do you feel so alone, even when you have so many people saying they're there for you?
How do you not cry, when all you can do is cry inside?
How do you even wake up in the morning these days?

Why can't this be less painful?
Why couldn't I have avoided this whole situation?
Why do I have to be so far gone?
Why do I have to be the scum beneath His boots?
Why can't I just let go?
Why can't I just decide to quit or keep going?

When will I stop being such an idiot?
When will I just pick what I need to do for myself?
When will I stop building so many walls?
When will I stop feeling so much pain?

Monday, March 28, 2011

I thought you said you didn't understand?

Mmmm. I cannot believe people these days. I just don't. How can so many people who once told me they can never understand what I have gone through or what I would have to go through to become a christian, suddenly turn around and tell me they somehow understand now and that I was born gay " to change " and so now they have an answer and somehow understand? No. You fucking admitted to not understanding. You have no idea the first thing about sexuality, all your minds can do is wrap it around sex. That's all it seems to be to you, is attraction and sex. That's not even the first thing about sexuality, those are the very least important parts of sexuality. Clearly you can't wrap your mind around this, you don't understand at all. STOP PRETENDING YOU DO. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE ANSWERS WHEN YOU DON'T. Your Bible may say something, but when it comes to homosexuality it DOES.NOT.LINE.UP.

I mean honestly, what reason do I have to lie about this? If it was as simple as sex and attraction and something simply physical, I wouldn't care about giving that up. I'd be fucking straight by now. I can convince myself to be attracted to just about anything if I wanted, but I know what I am deep down right on the outside of my gender identity is my sexual orientation. Those two things wrap around my soul. IT IS THAT DEEP.

You can sit there and say that "It's the word of God and so it's what is true and you just have to accept it" all you fucking want, but that doesn't change anything. If the bible said that there was no such thing as red hair, and you saw someone with red hair would you believe it? No. Hell no. Unless you are Gay, you have no damn room to talk. This is between me and God and you need to stay the fuck out of it. I'm tired of it.

I didn't let you people close to me so that you could hurt me with the thing that drove me away from christians and into a hateful mindset with all christian people. I let you close to me so you could love me and show me Gods love. Gods love. GODS LOVE. That's all. NOT HIS JUDGMENT. I'll get plenty of that when I died, until then leave me alone about that. Don't judge me. There are SO many things I could say to you all and judge you for, but I don't. It's not my place. You can deal with that at the end as well. Just leave me the hell alone.

It's for this reason that I'm so done with dealing with God with any of you people. If I have a question about God or anything pertaining to Him, I will either A. Ask him myself or B. Find someone else in a different community. I can't rely on you all anymore. I don't want to be a part of anything relating to God with anyone I have been lately. I'm just done, it's left such a sour taste in my mouth it's ridiculous. We can hang out anytime, I love you guys as people, I can't stand talking about God with any of you anymore. So we can go out to eat and see movies and all that jazz, but don't invite me to bible studies or church or anything like that because I will shoot it down before you finish your sentence.

Clearly I'm in this alone, the community aspect of christianity is officially GONE.