I'm a dumb ass!

So. Yeah. I don't even know how to start off this one. I've had a long week. All this past week I've been thinking about just everything that's happened up until this point. I've realized a couple things which led me to the decision I've made.

First, the only reason I went along with any of this God stuff is because I took encouragement and turned it into a giant ego. Every time I did something to forward a relationship with God, people praised me and encouraged me and told me how proud they were. Well, when you grow up getting very little of any of that sometimes that can get to your head. Now I'll be honest, I'm not 100% sure on this, but I'm pretty sure I subconsciously acknowledged that I can get that happy feeling from those things from doing exactly what they want from me. So I did just that. I continued going to the Bible studies. I went to more than one. I went to a christian counselor. I went to church. Yes, I did learn things from all of these things. But my subconscious was pushing my conscious to do those things and to seek for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't JUST seeking God to know God, I was seeking God to know God and get praised as well. That's wrong, and I shouldn't have ever done that and I have always considered this idea but everyone told me I was wrong, but I seriously question that.

Second, I cannot take the bible as truth. I read it consistently lately, and every time I leave it down feeling worse than I did when I started reading it. It tears me apart, and not in a convicting way, but in a "Wow, what kind of God would encourage this stuff?" Kind of way. None of it makes sense to me, nor do I like any of it. It's a book. I cannot take it for more than that. Not only is it just a book, but it's a book with terribly written stories that encourage discrimination, ignorance, and prejudice. I don't want to be affiliated with that, sorry.

Third, I am not a Christian deep down. I just don't feel it. The entire fabric of Christianity feels so wrong in me. Deep down if I'm anything, it's a Pagan. I feel attached to nature and the natural world way to much. The elements speak to me more than any God ever has. The spirits beyond this world comfort me in ways God never has. I've seen these things as well, and I can't see God. There is just something remarkably peaceful and attuned to me specifically when it comes to Paganism. It's that simple, and I can't really put it any other way. When I try to conform to Christianity and what God wants, It feels wrong. It feels like I'm putting on a mask, I hate that feeling.

Fourth, while I know a select few good Christians.... there are tens of thousands of terrible ones out there. They like to attack me. They like to put me down and then kick the dirt in my face. Usually through facebook, because it's easy to be a tough guy when you aren't looking at the person you're persecuting and bullying. But it's cool, you can tell me I'm going to go to hell. You can call me a fool. You can call me an idiot. But I'm not the one looking stupid, and all you did is drive me away from God and help solidify my decision that night.

So to end this I just don't think God is for me. I mean, I may keep a personal relationship with Him. But.... it's not something I would speak to any of my christian friends about because not only will they not believe anything I say, they won't agree with anything I say. It would be pointless to talk to them about any relationship I form with God, especially if it doesn't follow "His word". I'm not quite sure how this will affect my friendships with all of them. I love them all, but sometimes I feel like God was the only piece of thread holding us together. Will they care to hang out with me, or get to know the Chad without the mask on? He's the biggest sinner out of the group and he doesn't care, can they handle that? I don't know. I hope so. It's too soon for any of these friendships to end, but I just don't think I can do what they want of me. It's my soul. my life. I just hope they can respect my decisions and at least be somewhat supportive...