I've come to the realization that I'm a broken man. I have nothing. I have no achievements to my name. I have accomplished next to nothing in my life. I work a dead end job. I'm not in school. I have nothing going for me. To top it all off I'm an emotional wreck. There is something I really want, that I know will save me from myself. But I can't do everything in the order people expect me to do it. When I explain this to people, they sit there and tell me to not worry about what people say. Well I'm sorry, but I do. Half the time it hurts and it turns me away. It hurts a hell of a lot.
For a short time I turned to God. I didn't give up everything. I didn't give up anything but the negative emotions and feelings I had. I didn't give up anything but the things I had that weighed me down on a deep deep level. For a short time I was remarkably happy. People noticed it too. Then I started feeling like people expected me to get rid of things like Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex. Physical things. Things that never really held me back from forming a relationship. Then I started turning away again. I started running. Then I'd stop and look back and walk a couple steps back to where I was. Then I'd hit that same wall with people and run away further again.
I don't know how much of this running and then walking back to run again I can handle. I am torn apart. TORN. I have nothing left. I cannot even handle it. It's under my skin like no other. Here I am writing this blog on the eve before bible study and I still don't know if I should go or not. I want to. I want to badly. But I'm too afraid of going back again. I take what people say too personally. I can't do what people expect. I can only do what I can do.
I just wish I could go into that room tomorrow night and feel welcomed and not put on a face. I wish I could walk in and be genuinely happy, and not feel the need to cry as soon as I see everyone. I wish I could just be there and know that my journey is my personal journey and that no one will be thinking of me differently or wanting to fix me. I want people to just see me and say "Hey that's Chad, he's a swell guy and I'm glad to call him a friend who I can go to in my times of need, as he can do with me". I don't want to read their faces and know exactly how they think of me. I'm tired of this insane empathetic ability to feel emotions below a fake emotion. I hate knowing how people really feel. It makes things so much harder.
Now I just have to decide if I should walk into that room for a possible last time, or to just hide.