Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I've come to the realization that I'm a broken man. I have nothing. I have no achievements to my name. I have accomplished next to nothing in my life. I work a dead end job. I'm not in school. I have nothing going for me. To top it all off I'm an emotional wreck. There is something I really want, that I know will save me from myself. But I can't do everything in the order people expect me to do it. When I explain this to people, they sit there and tell me to not worry about what people say. Well I'm sorry, but I do. Half the time it hurts and it turns me away. It hurts a hell of a lot.

For a short time I turned to God. I didn't give up everything. I didn't give up anything but the negative emotions and feelings I had. I didn't give up anything but the things I had that weighed me down on a deep deep level. For a short time I was remarkably happy. People noticed it too. Then I started feeling like people expected me to get rid of things like Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex. Physical things. Things that never really held me back from forming a relationship. Then I started turning away again. I started running. Then I'd stop and look back and walk a couple steps back to where I was. Then I'd hit that same wall with people and run away further again.

I don't know how much of this running and then walking back to run again I can handle. I am torn apart. TORN. I have nothing left. I cannot even handle it. It's under my skin like no other. Here I am writing this blog on the eve before bible study and I still don't know if I should go or not. I want to. I want to badly. But I'm too afraid of going back again. I take what people say too personally. I can't do what people expect. I can only do what I can do.

I just wish I could go into that room tomorrow night and feel welcomed and not put on a face. I wish I could walk in and be genuinely happy, and not feel the need to cry as soon as I see everyone. I wish I could just be there and know that my journey is my personal journey and that no one will be thinking of me differently or wanting to fix me. I want people to just see me and say "Hey that's Chad, he's a swell guy and I'm glad to call him a friend who I can go to in my times of need, as he can do with me". I don't want to read their faces and know exactly how they think of me. I'm tired of this insane empathetic ability to feel emotions below a fake emotion. I hate knowing how people really feel. It makes things so much harder.

Now I just have to decide if I should walk into that room for a possible last time, or to just hide.


  1. Chad...I love you for you...not for anything else...jesus also says "come as you are" he is perfect because we arnt...I promise you that you arnt alone on this I can only speak for myself but I consider you welcomed and very much a good friend and like family to me...I love you just as you are and no other face is needed

  2. Chad,
    I think devil puts lies in your head to make you believe certain things that will keep you from experiencing the peace, freedom, and joy of Christ. I know it may not make a difference to say this, but I want you to know and believe the truth that when we look at you, we do not see ANYTHING or ANYONE but CHAD. An amazing person who is searching just like the rest of us! I'm so sorry if you think our facial expressions say otherwise, but could you try to consider that maybe, just maybe were not really thinking all the terrible, bad thoughts you think we are? Because we sure LOVE YOU! We're all so messed up in so many ways and it hurts me that the enemy targets you and makes you believe awful lies. Also, your decision to give up physical things like drugs, sex, alcohol...I want you to know that wether you ever chose to let go of those things or not, it would NEVER in a million years alter our love for you. The only reason we let those things go is because we want God's best for our lives. And we know that those things (in the wrong context) bring destruction. choosing what to let go of is a personal choice. Some christians feel its okay to have a drink every once in a while, while others don't believe its the healthiest thing for their spiritual lives or in general. But your right, its YOUR choice, and we respect your decisions.I just want you to know that the reason christians harp so much on "physical" things, is because we know from experience how much they can hurt us, and we have let go of the life that brings us down and only want what brings us up, and brings God glory. Thanks for expressing your thoughts about all of this! I am praying that the enemy would be BOUND from your life and that you would only be able to think with clear and discerning thoughts.
    "God is not the author of confusion"- 1st corinthians 14:33
    I hope you know how much you are loved, despite how little you believe it :) love you chad! its a new day!