Thursday, March 31, 2011

I said I wouldn't, but I did.

How do you handle depression over and over in your life?
How do you handle change?
How do you change every fiber of your being?
How do you feel so alone, even when you have so many people saying they're there for you?
How do you not cry, when all you can do is cry inside?
How do you even wake up in the morning these days?

Why can't this be less painful?
Why couldn't I have avoided this whole situation?
Why do I have to be so far gone?
Why do I have to be the scum beneath His boots?
Why can't I just let go?
Why can't I just decide to quit or keep going?

When will I stop being such an idiot?
When will I just pick what I need to do for myself?
When will I stop building so many walls?
When will I stop feeling so much pain?

Monday, March 28, 2011

I thought you said you didn't understand?

Mmmm. I cannot believe people these days. I just don't. How can so many people who once told me they can never understand what I have gone through or what I would have to go through to become a christian, suddenly turn around and tell me they somehow understand now and that I was born gay " to change " and so now they have an answer and somehow understand? No. You fucking admitted to not understanding. You have no idea the first thing about sexuality, all your minds can do is wrap it around sex. That's all it seems to be to you, is attraction and sex. That's not even the first thing about sexuality, those are the very least important parts of sexuality. Clearly you can't wrap your mind around this, you don't understand at all. STOP PRETENDING YOU DO. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE ANSWERS WHEN YOU DON'T. Your Bible may say something, but when it comes to homosexuality it DOES.NOT.LINE.UP.

I mean honestly, what reason do I have to lie about this? If it was as simple as sex and attraction and something simply physical, I wouldn't care about giving that up. I'd be fucking straight by now. I can convince myself to be attracted to just about anything if I wanted, but I know what I am deep down right on the outside of my gender identity is my sexual orientation. Those two things wrap around my soul. IT IS THAT DEEP.

You can sit there and say that "It's the word of God and so it's what is true and you just have to accept it" all you fucking want, but that doesn't change anything. If the bible said that there was no such thing as red hair, and you saw someone with red hair would you believe it? No. Hell no. Unless you are Gay, you have no damn room to talk. This is between me and God and you need to stay the fuck out of it. I'm tired of it.

I didn't let you people close to me so that you could hurt me with the thing that drove me away from christians and into a hateful mindset with all christian people. I let you close to me so you could love me and show me Gods love. Gods love. GODS LOVE. That's all. NOT HIS JUDGMENT. I'll get plenty of that when I died, until then leave me alone about that. Don't judge me. There are SO many things I could say to you all and judge you for, but I don't. It's not my place. You can deal with that at the end as well. Just leave me the hell alone.

It's for this reason that I'm so done with dealing with God with any of you people. If I have a question about God or anything pertaining to Him, I will either A. Ask him myself or B. Find someone else in a different community. I can't rely on you all anymore. I don't want to be a part of anything relating to God with anyone I have been lately. I'm just done, it's left such a sour taste in my mouth it's ridiculous. We can hang out anytime, I love you guys as people, I can't stand talking about God with any of you anymore. So we can go out to eat and see movies and all that jazz, but don't invite me to bible studies or church or anything like that because I will shoot it down before you finish your sentence.

Clearly I'm in this alone, the community aspect of christianity is officially GONE.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I've come to the realization that I'm a broken man. I have nothing. I have no achievements to my name. I have accomplished next to nothing in my life. I work a dead end job. I'm not in school. I have nothing going for me. To top it all off I'm an emotional wreck. There is something I really want, that I know will save me from myself. But I can't do everything in the order people expect me to do it. When I explain this to people, they sit there and tell me to not worry about what people say. Well I'm sorry, but I do. Half the time it hurts and it turns me away. It hurts a hell of a lot.

For a short time I turned to God. I didn't give up everything. I didn't give up anything but the negative emotions and feelings I had. I didn't give up anything but the things I had that weighed me down on a deep deep level. For a short time I was remarkably happy. People noticed it too. Then I started feeling like people expected me to get rid of things like Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex. Physical things. Things that never really held me back from forming a relationship. Then I started turning away again. I started running. Then I'd stop and look back and walk a couple steps back to where I was. Then I'd hit that same wall with people and run away further again.

I don't know how much of this running and then walking back to run again I can handle. I am torn apart. TORN. I have nothing left. I cannot even handle it. It's under my skin like no other. Here I am writing this blog on the eve before bible study and I still don't know if I should go or not. I want to. I want to badly. But I'm too afraid of going back again. I take what people say too personally. I can't do what people expect. I can only do what I can do.

I just wish I could go into that room tomorrow night and feel welcomed and not put on a face. I wish I could walk in and be genuinely happy, and not feel the need to cry as soon as I see everyone. I wish I could just be there and know that my journey is my personal journey and that no one will be thinking of me differently or wanting to fix me. I want people to just see me and say "Hey that's Chad, he's a swell guy and I'm glad to call him a friend who I can go to in my times of need, as he can do with me". I don't want to read their faces and know exactly how they think of me. I'm tired of this insane empathetic ability to feel emotions below a fake emotion. I hate knowing how people really feel. It makes things so much harder.

Now I just have to decide if I should walk into that room for a possible last time, or to just hide.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Building up those Walls

This will likely be short, because again I'm getting ready for work.

Once upon a time, I wrote a little blog about breaking down the walls in my life. While that was nice and dandy for a time, it ended up backfiring and I completely regret it. I learned a lot by doing so, and I learned who God is. However, it did a couple of terrible terrible things to me. I felt emotions more after I broke down some of those walls. I let people in and let them close to me too much after I broke down those walls. I let God speak to me after breaking those walls, probably the biggest mistake. Now I can't handle anything and it's all because I broke down my barriers to life.

I let all kinds of new and old people closer to me than I've ever let people before, and it backfired. Some disappointed me, others didn't. Either way they were close enough to severely impact my life. They're always on my mind, and I don't know how I feel about that. They are pivotal in my life. They make up a great majority of the things I do now, and I don't know what to do without them now. This is BAD. I can't handle being this close to people. I need a wall to separate those emotional attachments.

Now I feel emotions. For years I didn't cry at all. For years death didn't even phase me. For years I was numb. Now I feel things, and it's not fun anymore. I cry all the time and I am remarkably bipolar. I don't want to feel anymore, I want to be numb again. I forsee myself resorting to drugs in the future to numb myself because it's going to take a while to build up that wall again.

The worst part was letting God in. I broke that Gigantic wall down that I built up over at least a decade and let God through. And now he won't stop. When it's quiet at work and no one's around and I'm just doing my thing, he talks to me. He pesters me. He tells me what I know in my heart already, but I can't do what he wants from me. I just can't. Before I acknowledged what he wanted, I just didn't care because of the wall. Now I care, but I can't do what he wants so it's impossible and painful. So now I'm going to have to try to build this wall up all over again to keep God out, and as I type this i'm having little panic attacks at the idea of it because that's how much I care. But there is just some things I can't do for God, and I guess I'll just accept going to hell for that.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'm a dumb ass!

So. Yeah. I don't even know how to start off this one. I've had a long week. All this past week I've been thinking about just everything that's happened up until this point. I've realized a couple things which led me to the decision I've made.

First, the only reason I went along with any of this God stuff is because I took encouragement and turned it into a giant ego. Every time I did something to forward a relationship with God, people praised me and encouraged me and told me how proud they were. Well, when you grow up getting very little of any of that sometimes that can get to your head. Now I'll be honest, I'm not 100% sure on this, but I'm pretty sure I subconsciously acknowledged that I can get that happy feeling from those things from doing exactly what they want from me. So I did just that. I continued going to the Bible studies. I went to more than one. I went to a christian counselor. I went to church. Yes, I did learn things from all of these things. But my subconscious was pushing my conscious to do those things and to seek for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't JUST seeking God to know God, I was seeking God to know God and get praised as well. That's wrong, and I shouldn't have ever done that and I have always considered this idea but everyone told me I was wrong, but I seriously question that.

Second, I cannot take the bible as truth. I read it consistently lately, and every time I leave it down feeling worse than I did when I started reading it. It tears me apart, and not in a convicting way, but in a "Wow, what kind of God would encourage this stuff?" Kind of way. None of it makes sense to me, nor do I like any of it. It's a book. I cannot take it for more than that. Not only is it just a book, but it's a book with terribly written stories that encourage discrimination, ignorance, and prejudice. I don't want to be affiliated with that, sorry.

Third, I am not a Christian deep down. I just don't feel it. The entire fabric of Christianity feels so wrong in me. Deep down if I'm anything, it's a Pagan. I feel attached to nature and the natural world way to much. The elements speak to me more than any God ever has. The spirits beyond this world comfort me in ways God never has. I've seen these things as well, and I can't see God. There is just something remarkably peaceful and attuned to me specifically when it comes to Paganism. It's that simple, and I can't really put it any other way. When I try to conform to Christianity and what God wants, It feels wrong. It feels like I'm putting on a mask, I hate that feeling.

Fourth, while I know a select few good Christians.... there are tens of thousands of terrible ones out there. They like to attack me. They like to put me down and then kick the dirt in my face. Usually through facebook, because it's easy to be a tough guy when you aren't looking at the person you're persecuting and bullying. But it's cool, you can tell me I'm going to go to hell. You can call me a fool. You can call me an idiot. But I'm not the one looking stupid, and all you did is drive me away from God and help solidify my decision that night.

So to end this I just don't think God is for me. I mean, I may keep a personal relationship with Him. But.... it's not something I would speak to any of my christian friends about because not only will they not believe anything I say, they won't agree with anything I say. It would be pointless to talk to them about any relationship I form with God, especially if it doesn't follow "His word". I'm not quite sure how this will affect my friendships with all of them. I love them all, but sometimes I feel like God was the only piece of thread holding us together. Will they care to hang out with me, or get to know the Chad without the mask on? He's the biggest sinner out of the group and he doesn't care, can they handle that? I don't know. I hope so. It's too soon for any of these friendships to end, but I just don't think I can do what they want of me. It's my soul. my life. I just hope they can respect my decisions and at least be somewhat supportive...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

19 Years and counting

Today is March 9th 2011. I'm officially 19 years old. I'm a year away from being two entire decades old. My life is flashing by and I don't even know how to handle it at this point. So I'm doing what I enjoy doing and blogging about it all. I'm going through this past year now.

I turned 18 last year on March 9th 2010. I was a completely different person. At the time, I had just gotten my GED. I was striving to do better for myself. I had officially come to terms with my sexuality. Not only was I completely OK with it, I was damn proud of it. I was a Pagan. I practiced witchcraft and shamanism semi regularly. I was angry with the world. I hated Christianity, and I hated almost every Christian. At the time, I'm pretty sure I was set on becoming an English teacher and writing books on the side. I was working at a crummy job that had me selling knives to people who didn't want them. I faced corporate america for the first time in my life, and I hated it. The entire summer I went to several conferences and wasted my time away on a job that was never worth it.

That April was the first time I had talked to Garrett in years. I don't even remember how our conversation went but apparently it was on Christianity and I helped catapult him into it. We talked/argued every once in a while but not very often. At least not until around October. That's when we started talking often and all night. Little did I know these were the conversations that would inevitably lead me up to the point I'm at now.

Towards the end of that November closer to the beginning of December I went to a bible study for the first time ever. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I was in "enemy territory". I was out of my element. But I claimed to be open minded, and as such I went through with it and went in with a completely open mind. I refused to be the same as the ignorant christians who gave me such a terrible world view on Christians and Christianity ( of course back then any Christian was that kind of Christian). I learned quite a bit that night. I learned that some Christians are actually genuinely nice people. That the love of God is something bigger than people, and that you can notice who is channeling that and who isn't. I felt so at home there. I felt loved. I hadn't felt that way in so long.

I didn't think I would continue to go to these bible studies, but I did. Little did I know I would end up forming a relationship with God. Little did I know I would actually read the bible, which is something I would have preferred to burn because of 6 little verses in that book. I've made a great group of friends through these people. People that mean a great deal to me. Probably more to me than I to them. They, along with God, have completely flipped my world upside down. I'm completely opposite at this point.

Last month I went to church for the first time since I was....11ish?  I enjoyed it. It was different from catholic mass. I would go again. I've been to a Christian counselor, which is something I never thought I would do. I enjoy it too. I tried calamari because of Garrett, which you would think has nothing to do with this. But the fact that i had to be open minded to that idea, sparked something in me that inevitably led me to being open minded to a relationship with God. I talk to God now. What? I used to talk trash about God before. I remember the first time I even spoke to Alejandro and Krestan I sent them terrible messages about how they better not try converting me. I was terrible.

Fast forward to today. My 19th birthday. Not only do I believe in God, and have a relationship with him. Because of Him I have a new found love for my sexuality. I'm proud, but in a way that I'm a beautiful piece of Gods variety on this planet. I have a great group of new friends to add to my already amazing friends I have. None of my friends, christian or otherwise, would I trade for anything. I can proudly say that for every single one of my friends I would die for them. All of them. Because I am that darn proud of them. I love them all, and wouldn't be where I am today without them.

I have 6 more years to live now. 6 Long but short years. Yes, you may think it odd that I plan to die at 25. But it's not. It's not even suicidal. It's just a complete realization that once I'm 25 I'm content with leaving this all behind. That's not to say that I hate my life or that I hate the world I live in or hate the people I know. I love all of that.I don't even plan to kill myself or anything suicidal or crazy like that. I don't find this odd at all. I wish my friends understood why it's not weird to me. I think it's perfect. Because I have only 6 years left, I'm making damn sure that I'm going to be making the most out of it. The best way to do that is spend time with my friends. I don't care if we're just grabbing lunch, or if we're going across the world together. Just being with my friends makes it all worth it.