Monday, January 31, 2011


    Lately I've been faced with this idea/issue of "demons". Now I quote demons because honestly, I don't believe in them. At least not in the sense of some evil force controlled by the devil to do horrible evil things.  I've been told that demons are everywhere. That they constantly attack you and everyone around you and get inside your head and put thoughts inside your head and all kinds of things. Well, I really really doubt all of these things. I've always kind of had this idea that I've always followed. If you are looking for something, you will find it in some way, shape, or form. ( Oh also, apparently demons inflict homosexuality. Ha!)

   One thing I've noticed about the people I talk to who believe in demons is that they have a moderate focus on sin, the devil, demons, hell, and everything negative within the bible. Now ask any one of these people where their focus is and they'll say God and always God, however I have a hard time believing it when a good portion of our conversations regardless of what we're talking about tend to stride into those negative things. So as I said before, if you are looking for something you will find it.

   I strongly believe that people who put a focus onto these things get themselves into situations where they can tell themselves it was the work of "demons". People who like drama, find drama. People who like entertainment, find entertainment. People who are positive, tend to have positive lives. So they validate their beliefs by putting themselves into these situations so that when they're asked about these things they can easily give you a situation in which they believe is proof enough that what they believe is true. However, it's like this for everything.

   If you look into homosexuality looking for a reason for it to be wrong or unnatural, you will find reasons. I've heard every single one of them. From the roles of genders to the bible, I've heard it all. However it's the same way for people who support homosexuality. If you want to find a reason for it to be ok, you will find a reason. From stories in the bible that may or may not be homosexual, to the difference in the sizes of brains between genders and the slight imbetween of homosexuals brains. I've heard all of those as well. No matter what, people will always validate what they want to validate. They will find the answer they want to find, one way or another.

  So really, how do we actually know what's what? Everything is based off what we want to know. And what we want to know tends to be based off the "Moral standards" of our belief systems. The people with more liberal beliefs, just so happen to be more liberal politically. The people with more conservative beliefs, just so happen to be more conservative politically.  This is why we get absolutely no where in politics and in life period.

   This begs to question why I am even doing what I am doing on this journey. I want to find the answers I want to find, which is to validate why my homosexuality is ok. It's very unlikely that I will find that in christianity or with God. So why the hell am I wasting my time with all of this? I'm not even sure. I'm clearly very persistent however on finding the unlikely answer to my questions though. And as for a side goal of opening up some new friends eyes to what may be something they haven't really considered, that's also unlikely because the word of a mere mortal doesn't exactly compare to an omnipotent immortal being in the sky. So both of my goals in my journey are equally unobtainable. But as a human I am intent on finding the answer I suppose.

  My beliefs themselves seem to not really be changing. For the most part, I believe exactly the same thing I did 6 months ago as a pagan. The only difference now is that I am no longer completely discriminatory and prejudice against Christians. But that's about the only difference. Maybe some subtle differences that I don't even remember. I'm still very guarded around Christians. I can't even let my new Christian friends in and I constantly bicker with them unknowingly. I'm just so used to it, and I don't know how to let the people in that I care about simply because of what people with the same views as them have done to me. It's an unusual situation and it's unintentional.

  I'm going to a christian counselor on Tuesday. Why I'm going I don't even know. My friend says it's to get answers to any questions I have, but whenever I think of what questions I have I can't think of any. I've asked all of the ones I really care about. I'm almost certain if I ask them again, I will only receive the same response. I used to have so much bottled up and I had questions no matter what. I ALWAYS had a question about something. But at this point I feel like any questions I have are wasted breathes and I just feel overall exasperated. I don't even have the passion I used to have. I don't have the urge to fight anymore. I have no idea why, it's not even me giving up. It's just me letting go. Which feels amazing because it's a lot of stress off my shoulders, but at the same time it's bringing a lot of stress in because I don't even know what's going on with me anymore.

   Oh well, enough mumbling for me tonight. Thanks for reading if you read. I haven't posted in a while... I've clearly been blank on most everything for quite a bit. Obviously the lack of passion has a lot to do with it as well..

Monday, January 10, 2011

Love Vs. Fear

I think it's about time to write some more. I've been on hiatus, mostly because I've been busy, but I just wasn't sure what exactly to write about. But recent events have transpired in which I've done a bit of thinking which is what always leads me here to blogspot. Now this blog is going to possibly be mushy and gross and full of love, and I apologize for it. But it's whats at the heart of a lot of issues I think.

One thing I've noticed throughout Christianity and in a good bit of Christians is a lack of love. Not necessarily just love but unconditional love, you know... the kind the Christian God is supposed to show. A lot of Christians have been coming to me telling me that anything they say that may sound judgmental or condemning is only out of love. But I have a hard time believing that. For one, if you unconditionally love someone, you don't do things that will obviously hurt them and permanently scar them. Obviously it's ok to point out when someone is doing something wrong, but to drill something into someones head that it is wrong and not ok isn't alright.

I personally believe that the reason why so many Christians lack this unconditional love is because they fear what is underlying the issue. Many of the people I speak with seem to have a problem with homosexuality, because it's very clearly pointed out in the bible to be a sin. But I think people are so afraid of sin that they forget that this "sin" that I was born with is also a part of me, and so when you condemn the sin and strike down how horrible the sin is, you are also doing the same to me personally. And it hurts. The fear of sin is the leading cause of hate caused towards people of the LGBT community. Fear produces anger and hatred, and while you may think you are just telling me how you feel about the sin, what you are really telling me is that you also hate me personally. You can argue against this notion all you want, but you can't seperate me from my orientation and as such it's striking me personally when you attack my orientation.

I have to ask though, why are you so afraid of sin? You believe in Jesus, yes? You believe Jesus died for your sins and that you will be forgiven if you live a life where you try to be sin free, yes? Then why are you so afraid of sin? Where is your faith in what you believe? I honestly have to ask why you would be afraid of sin, when you know that in the end if you live your life right you will be ok in the afterlife? So rather than be afraid of homosexuality stop focusing on the orientation itself. You need to learn to love unconditionally. Look past the sin. Love the person, don't hate the sin. Don't even acknowledge to the person that he/she is sinning. If they are a christian, they've read the bible or at least know what's going on in it. If they are sinning, they already know it. It's probably already killing them inside and it's probably already a struggle. Don't be another struggle for them by condemning them. Just love them. Be their rock. Their anchor. Be the person they can talk to and cry and let it all out to. THAT is what it means to be "Christ - Like" if you ask me.

I realize that to some people the bible says you need to acknowledge the sin. You need to inform people. People are already informed, we hear about it all the time. We know it. So don't come to me and condemn me and make me cry and feel uncomfortable when I already know everything you are already saying, it's pointless. We'll talk in circles. Just treat me the way I treat you, with love. Love EVERYONE unconditionally, and forgive people who live in sin. If you treat me with love, and can look past that sin. That's when you will impact my life. If you come at me and attack me, I will remove myself from the situation. Don't do the judging. That's Gods job. Not yours. Don't play God, I'm pretty sure he doesn't appreciate that.

It's come to my attention lately though that there ARE Christians out there who are.... you know... decent. The kind who CAN actually look past it and treat you with love. And some of these people are actually starting a movement for love. That's something I can agree with, especially in this day and age. Being a support group. Doing nice things just to be nice with no alternative motives. Being that moment in some strangers day that keeps them smiling. That's what more people should be doing. Kudos to the people involved with that.

I hope a good bit of people read this, and I hope a good bit of people reflect on how they live their lives. It's not my place to sit here and say you are living it wrong. Live it however the hell you want to, but just remember if you live it in love that you'll get further and you'll be happier more permanently. There's nothing more amazing than the power of friendship and love. So learn to cherish those things, rather than take them for granted.