Sunday, March 20, 2011

Building up those Walls

This will likely be short, because again I'm getting ready for work.

Once upon a time, I wrote a little blog about breaking down the walls in my life. While that was nice and dandy for a time, it ended up backfiring and I completely regret it. I learned a lot by doing so, and I learned who God is. However, it did a couple of terrible terrible things to me. I felt emotions more after I broke down some of those walls. I let people in and let them close to me too much after I broke down those walls. I let God speak to me after breaking those walls, probably the biggest mistake. Now I can't handle anything and it's all because I broke down my barriers to life.

I let all kinds of new and old people closer to me than I've ever let people before, and it backfired. Some disappointed me, others didn't. Either way they were close enough to severely impact my life. They're always on my mind, and I don't know how I feel about that. They are pivotal in my life. They make up a great majority of the things I do now, and I don't know what to do without them now. This is BAD. I can't handle being this close to people. I need a wall to separate those emotional attachments.

Now I feel emotions. For years I didn't cry at all. For years death didn't even phase me. For years I was numb. Now I feel things, and it's not fun anymore. I cry all the time and I am remarkably bipolar. I don't want to feel anymore, I want to be numb again. I forsee myself resorting to drugs in the future to numb myself because it's going to take a while to build up that wall again.

The worst part was letting God in. I broke that Gigantic wall down that I built up over at least a decade and let God through. And now he won't stop. When it's quiet at work and no one's around and I'm just doing my thing, he talks to me. He pesters me. He tells me what I know in my heart already, but I can't do what he wants from me. I just can't. Before I acknowledged what he wanted, I just didn't care because of the wall. Now I care, but I can't do what he wants so it's impossible and painful. So now I'm going to have to try to build this wall up all over again to keep God out, and as I type this i'm having little panic attacks at the idea of it because that's how much I care. But there is just some things I can't do for God, and I guess I'll just accept going to hell for that.

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