Unbelievable

Today I'm having a semi-philosophical day. It's been odd. My mind's not in my body right now, it's an odd feeling. I went to church for the first time today since..... I was 10 or 11 I think. To put that in perspective, I'm turning 19 in 2 weeks. To further this I've never attended a non-catholic church before ( except for once but I hardly remember it). I went with a good friend who invited me. Him and his family go to a small little gathering inside a school gymnasium.

I wasn't expecting much. Nothing was unexpected. One thing I loved about it was the feeling of family. You could tell that today was a day of family and love for everyone, and despite me not having any family I did feel like they welcomed me into their family for the day. It was a nice feeling to feel loved by everyone. I sadly don't really get that feeling of family with my own.

One thing that slightly bothers me is the feeling of brainwashing that goes along with christianity. They talk about spreading the word and 'funneling' God through yourself into others ( obviously non-believers) and saving people that way. Kind of annoys me, because it feels like a point system. It should never be a point system. I think with matters of the soul, a point system turns things into a game. It's not real anymore. It loses its meaning. I don't want to be another point on the scoreboard. I want to be of value. I want to feel of worth after that leap of faith. That's why elevation bothers me, and some other church's. They boast about their numbers and how many people they save, and that bothers me.

Then me and my buddy had lunch and I got some books from him. One was called Crazy Love, which is a book I've been wanting to read for a while. I start reading it, and it's pretty obviously directed towards Christians, and I don't know that I would even consider myself a Christian at this point in my journey. But I push through and then read a chapter. There are videos that you can watch online with each chapter and one of those I'm posting at the bottom of this blog because of how it completely changed my perspective on not only life, but everything about life. Life is unbelievable. It is so incredible words can't even describe it, and the fact there is even MORE to life than what we see is so unbelievable it could bring me to tears.

None of that really hit me until I decided to be nice and run down to wendy's to get my dad and brother something to eat. I don't know if you've walked outside your house yet today, but it's around 75 degrees with a nice cool breeze and a decent amount of cloud coverage and the sun is just shining brightly. So basically, it's the perfect day to live. And as I'm driving, listening to my new adele cd and jamming to it, I can't help but admire His world. The world we live in. The universe. It's all so beautiful in spectacular and unbelievable. He's the perfect artist, honestly. Which is why my head is in a funk now. I feel as though I let God into my heart for the first time and saw the world through his eyes, which completely changed my perspective on things.I've felt more emotion today than usual. I'm not completely apathetic. I'm not a zombie. I'm ALIVE for the first time in a very long time. Not only do I love this feeling, but I want to feel this every single day.

Now I realize this sounds mooshy and gross and everything. And who on Earth would expect to hear me say good things about God? Especially in the way I just did. I can tell you I never expected it. So I apologize if you don't like how i'm getting to know God and so I'm writing about it, but this is my personal therapy so you'll just have to bear with me through it.

Love ya guys
- Chad

A Leap of Faith

This blog may be kind of short. Reason being I have to leave for work in 36 minutes and I have a toothbrush in my mouth still getting ready. But I just need to get this off my chest.

I am taking a giant leap into something I never thought I would. I'm doing something that goes against EVERYTHING I once stood for. I am breaking down this wall that is holding me back from being happy. What am I doing you may ask? Well.... I'm accepting God into my life. Into my heart. Completely.

I'm tired of being in control. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of everything being up to me. I'm tired of rejecting. More than ever I NEED God in my life. More than ever I WANT God in my life. I want to worship, and I want to pray, and I want to be the person I've always been. The person I fought and stuffed away for so many long years because of the type of rejection I got from people who called themselves Christians.

My stuffing is over. I'm being who I really am. Not a Christian, but someone with a relationship with a being so much bigger than me. Someone who isn't going to condemn, because I have no right to condemn. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am. The only reason why I can't believe I'm doing this is because I let my mind think for my heart to much.

But not anymore. It's my heart doing the thinking from now on. If you're a Believer, you know exactly why too.

I'm bound to get a lot of heat from this from my friends. Family. Co workers. Even people I barely know. But for once in my life I feel true joy, and not this fake joy that I present myself with. I'll call that "Target joy". If you've ever worked retail you know why. If I'm truly happy and truly ok with what I'm doing, then the people who really care for me will show me that they do and be accepting of it.


I absolutely had to get this off my chest, and now that I have I feel so much better.


Man.... I've come a long way since my first post.

Friends

"Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test-
Time and change-are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray;
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die;
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast-
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold. "

This poem basically describes what my newest blog is going to be about. Friends, obviously from the title. But not only that but the kind of friends I have and the amount of love I have for all of them. I have a semi-small group of friends that I consider very close to me. They all know who they are I do believe. And then obviously I have my BFF Heather. I really have no idea where I would be without them. Some of my darkest moments I've gotten through because they were there. Especially when it comes to me being bullied by one particular person. Every time, they would talk it through with me and be there to help pull me back up from the darkest places I've been. 

It's because of this that I have so much respect for all of them. I will never forget a single one of them no matter where our lives take us. I will always be the shoulder they can cry on. I will never shun them for anything they do. I will be nothing but supportive of them in all of their endeavors. I really hope they know this as well. I don't want any of them to be afraid to come up to me with any problem they're having. Even if it's something I don't agree with, I want them to know that I'm the kind of friend they can come to and let it out and expect to just be comforted regardless of what it is.

However, sadly they are almost all leaving for college this fall and none of them are staying in the area for it. For obvious reasons.  I'm going to miss them all so much, they don't even know. I'll probably end up crying before they leave haha. But oddly enough, and yes I'm going to go completely against what I once stood for here, I think God has put a new group of friends in my life because he knows just as well as I do that there was no way I would have survived this coming fall without good friends. He even decided to one up me and make sure the friends he put there for me were Christians who I should not get along with for the most part AT ALL. Yet somehow, I love them all quite a lot and I haven't even known them that long. It's been maybe 3 months I'd say and I feel like I've known them for years. It's for that reason that I don't think it was just chance that I met these people.

To even go further into that each one of the people in this new group of friends personally has something they offer that is helping me grow in many ways. It ranges everywhere from Laughter to Wisdom. They all have redeeming qualities which are helping me more than I could have imagined. As I talk to each of them personally more and more, I realize exactly who I go to for what kind of problems. I know exactly how each person can help me grow. I don't know that they all acknowledge these things. But I'll be sure to let them know in time. 

I'm just so glad that I have a good group of friends to keep me alive while the ones I love leave for college. I'm proud of all of my friends graduating this year. They've worked their asses off and they deserve the best out of life. This isn't meant to be some soppy "don't leave me here by myself" blog. That would be selfish. I'm damn proud of everyone who is leaving. I wish you all the best in wherever it is you decide to go to. And just know if you ever need me, I'm a phone call away. And if it's big, I have a car to drive in. So don't hesitate.

And to my new friends, I can't wait to spend more time with all of you. Personally and as a group. 2011 is going to be such a great year for growth for me. And i'm glad you guys are going to be there for it. I couldn't ask for anyone better. I really hope you guys realize how much you all mean to me.

                              Love you all!

Tearing down the Walls.

     It's been a while since I wrote. I'm losing a bit of inspiration. A lot is going on, and my life is a spiraling roller coaster of doom and confusion, and yet somehow i'm unable to come up with something to blog about. I'll blame writers block for now. So this blog may be less exciting than any previous ones, however I feel anyone who cares to know about my selfish little life should at least get an update as to what is going on in my fragile little mind.

    So last time I wrote I'm pretty sure I told you guys that I was going to see a Christian counselor. Well I've gone to two now, so I should probably tell you guys about that first. First time was good. For the first time ever I didn't feel like I was going to hell ( Which lasted about a week and then the idea was bombarded into my head once again which is why I haven't prayed since then). It was a decent week because of that. They also had me take a 180 question test about myself. I've never evaluated my self to such an extent, it really got me thinking about who I am as a person. I also found out I'm a good test taker, I can carry on conversation while taking 180 question tests without very much hesitation.

    Skip over to the next week where I get my results. I find out that I am 91% more nervous than most adult males. 97% more Depressed. I'm inhibited ( I'm very apathetic). I'm apparently hostile, and I'm Impulsive. But I could have told you that last one. All things I kind of already figured, considering I've been working on that stuff since the 5th grade. Then I spilled the beans on my entire family life, which sounds more tragic when I talk about it than it does in my head haha. I really hated talking about it, simply because what has gone on in my life I'm pretty sure gave the people in the room reason to believe that my sexuality is behavioral based even though I was showing signs of homosexuality way before any of my family drama.

    All in all it is helping me out. I feel better letting how I feel out finally. Maybe I'll miraculously get rid of all my mental instability along the way, though I'm sure I'll be much less exciting after that. I've come to realize through all of this though that, over the years, I've built hundreds if not thousands of walls. I wear such a fake plastic smile that it's ridiculous. Not only is it a plastic smile, but it's also become a mask. Sometimes I'd even go as far as to say I've dawned an entirely new costume. I am not who I am on the inside, on the outside. So I'm trying to tear down the walls, but it's remarkably hard when you keep building them up. Every step forward I take I take a step and a half back. One moment I'm trying to build a relationship with God, the next I'm back to hating God. I build these walls so that I don't have to feel the pain that I know is coming.

    It's because of these walls that I can't even open up to my new friends. I have loads of things I'd love to talk to them about, but I can't. I wish I could open up, but I can't. I feel like I can't even be Gay in front of some of them. I'm so uneasy around people. I am completely reserved and I pull off this funny guy attitude that for the most part, isn't me. I observe everyone until I know what I can and cannot do simply so that I can't do the wrong thing, even if it's what I actually stand for. I don't think most of them truly know me, because clearly I don't even know who I am. It's remarkably painful and the only time I feel ok is when I'm drunk or high.

     The only times in my life when I am genuinely happy are the times when I am not sober. I like not being sober. I get a chance to forget about the future. I put myself in the future and worry about what's GOING to happen rather than what IS happening far to often. When I'm not sober I'm in the here and now and so I feel SO much happier. Do I sound like a drug addict/ alcoholic. Yeah probably. But I never drink/do drugs until I absolutely can't take things anymore. Surprisingly I haven't done ANYTHING in months. Which is weird considering what I'm going through. I blame not having anyone to get anything from.

    And now over the past couple days the idea that I'm going to hell has just been reinforced over and over and over into my head by so many people and things. I'm at a point where I just don't care anymore. I may just drop religion all together and just say forget it to God and forget it to Paganism as well. There's no point in any of it if nothing helps and if I'm inevitably going to feel unloved by a loving God. It's funny how when people can say things out of love and mean well, their words can hurt worse than anything any mean person has ever said to me.