So last night was my last night at bible study. I had decided this a week ago. I think at some point with everything, you know when it's time to end something. When it's time to move on from one spot in your life and into another one. That's how this was. I wasn't running from it. I wasn't quiting or giving up. It was simply time to move on, and that's why it wasn't a terrible thing to leave.
The night before I was trying to sleep, but realized I had so much I wanted to say before I left to everyone, but I could never tell everyone about everything on my mind. Especially considering I don't do public speaking often. However, in the middle of the night I sat down and drew up an outline of everything important that I wanted to leave the group with. I printed out statistics on everything. I wanted everyone to know exactly the kind of impact they can make on people like me.
So I go to the bible study and the normal stuff commences. When everythings over I get to do my speech. I literally had nothing written out. Just points to go over and to keep me moving so I don't get lost. I wanted everyone to know just how thankful I truly was for them being such a big part of my life and leaving such an impact on me. But more importantly, I wanted them to know statistically the impact of what they could say leaves on LGBT youth. I wanted to give them the absurd numbers on LGBT youth suicide, depression, substance abuse, and more. And furthermore, I wanted everyone to know that I was a part of that statistic and that a lot of that was because of the contribution of christianity ( And their Gods word). I ended up crying in front of a group of people. I was slightly uncomfortable. It was slightly awkward. It was remarkably necessary.
I don't think many Christian people realize that when they say things like "Gays will end up in hell" and things of that nature, even if the verses that the bible uses those things in include other sins as well, that it rips apart LGBT peoples self worth and self esteem. To feel like there is no reason to live because you bring nothing to life, and so your existence is unnecessary... that is a terrible thing to feel like. I know because I've been there. I want people to be aware that the Bible makes people feel that way.
I was really and truly hoping to at least open up some of their eyes even slightly that this is not a behavioral issue. This is not a choice. This is not a demon working inside of me. Homosexuality is as much as part of me as my hair color. I did not choose to have brown hair, and yet I have it. If someone walked up to you and told you that you would spend eternity burning because you were born with brown hair and this was repeated daily throughout your life, you would find reason to believe that because of that difference from the majority of the world, you have no reason to live.
However, it very clearly became apparent that this was not at all an impact I made on anyone there.
They wanted to pray and whatnot for me, so I allowed it because I don't really care. However a good portion of it was about leading me "out of this sin" and to fight this "Behavioral issue" and whatever other ways you can think of to say that. That's not to say there wasn't nice prayers either like "Bringing loving people into his life". I could definitely always use that. But my point being is that no one ever hears me when I'm talking to them at that bible study. I can sit there and pour my entire heart out and cry in front of a group of people, and no one is seeing that this is not and never has been a choice. It's not something that can be changed. It's the philosophy that it can and should be changed that leads so many LGBT youth trapped in overbearing Christian homes to suicide. It's a damn shame it has to be like that too.
I suppose I had my hopes up. I suppose I wanted more out of people than I should expect to get.
A conversation then occurred shortly after we all broke up that left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I felt like my entire speech was completely ripped apart and that everything had been taken the wrong way. When I talk about LGBT suicide rates, I'm not making other suicide victims less worthy of my time. I'm pointing out that LGBT youth are more likely to commit suicide because of society. I was then essentially told that if I wasn't saved by "the grace of God" that I would burn eternally. I was told that I can put as much faith in the power of Love as I want, but I will still burn eternally. When I said that I didn't care about hell and that I wasn't going to worry about what happens after I die, I was told that I should worry and that one day I will be kneeling before God and being judged by him to burn eternally if I don't worry. All of this was said through eyes cold as ice, not warm and heartfelt. I really should of stood up for myself and said something, but I did not at all feel like having any more attention on myself.
So after that conversation, through a battle of fighting off tears, I stuck around for about a half hour or so. Then I went home crying. Crying because I poured my heart out but it seems like no one understood my point. That nothing I was trying to convey, was conveyed. It was all for naught and I'm slightly disappointed by that. I'm also slightly disappointed it ended on such a sour note.
(Edit:) I've decided that as much as I love these people, I cannot consider them friends. "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." This rings true here. None of the people at that group support me. None of them will be there when I get married. None of them will help me with relationship problems. And none of them will accept the person I love. Because of that, I cannot consider these people more than acquaintances, which is quite disappointing. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but some people would rather follow in blind faith than listen to their friend pour their heart out to them and accept what he's saying as possibly true. If you can't truly love me like I have you, then forget it.
This is probably my last blog in this blog series. The title is "My lifes journey" but really the entire thing has been about a short journey with a group of people who changed my life. Now that my time with that group has come to an end I feel that so should this blog, until I open a new one up at least.
Thanks to everyone who read each blog post. You've been with me on my own little lifetime movie, and I appreciate it. It makes this blog feel like it has meaning, and it's good to know that i'm not just writing to myself all the time.
-Chad
Sweetheart, I think you've been going to a crazies church. And no offense to anyone who goes there, but there are warmer atmospheres to be had, more accepting and less cold. I went to one of these -- Grace Community a couple of years ago and because my parents allowed me to date before I was married they turned their backs on my family. When my dad was in cardiac arrest at the hospital and he needed his kids to be picked up from school, he called the preacher and the preacher said he had better things to do like his kid's soccer practice. When I hugged one of my guy friends the preacher's wife called my mother and told her in all the words but the one I'm going to use, that I was a slut for doing so. They kicked me off of the worship team because I had questions about the Bible. It was the most un-nurturing setting I've ever been in. Besides in a room full of girls :) har har har. I think you're stuck in one of these. You really should come to Elevation some time. The doctrine is legit, and they aren't cruel. We have ALOT of gays in the crowd. We have people with tattoos, gays, previous alcoholics, previous substance abusers... we've got alot of color and I think you'd thrive there.
ReplyDeleteChad, I'm proud of you for this. It takes a lot of courage to stand up in a room full of people and state your point, and it takes a LOT of courage to live through the rejection of something so close to your heart (and fucking RIGHT) as this.
ReplyDeleteIt's also really, really horrible when these were people that you thought of as friends.
H. makes a really good point - not all churches ARE like that. I have heard really good things about Elevation, and Devon actually told me a lot about the Unitarian church that makes it sound like a great place to go. If you feel like you need a place of worship, look into options like those. :)