So I realize that what I'm about to talk about could likely send me to a mental institution. I realize that some of it could heavily influence my life. I realize that it may upset people, and for a lot of people this won't be easy to hear. Acknowledging these things, I also realize I've held all of this in for far too long and really need to let it out. We're going to talk about suicide.
I've been suicidal since the 5th grade. Really a bit before that because I had realized my sexuality but I wasn't sure how to handle it, but it wasn't until I was made fun of it that I wanted to end my life. Ever since those first reoccurring thoughts it has been something that consistently pours into my head. It comes in phases and it can come out of no where. When I was first suicidal, I would think about all the ways that I would do it. Pain wasn't an option, I had decided I had to go out with pills or something that would take me out quick. I was just too scared. One time I tried electrocuting myself by sticking tweezers in an outlet, but it really just shut off the power for the entire street which was just plain embarrassing. At one point I ended up telling someone online about how I wanted to kill myself and they ended up contacting the authorities who then came to my door and ended up yelling at me about how they'll take me away if I say anything like that anymore. Yeah Mr. Cop. Yelling at me will make the 12 year old suicidal kid feel SO MUCH BETTER.
Eventually I ended up in therapy and put on anti depressants which did absolutely nothing but put me to sleep and make me apathetic to the world. So I ended up not taking those and wearing a plastic smile around and pretending I was chipper. That lasted a bit I guess, but then I got suicidal again. Eventually I turned to drugs and cigarettes and such. Not all the time, just casually and usually only when I was really depressed. I ended up going to a therapist I really really liked and it helped. I was genuinely happy for a while. Aside from my immense hate towards Christians because of years or persecution. So I lived my life generally happy until I turned 18 and then I met some people and my life kind of changed a bit because God entered the equation.
At first everything was going well but then it started going down further and further and further. I never really expressed exactly how hard it was to anyone and how much it hurt and how upset I was getting because not even I completely understood because I had lived so happily for a while. Then I started doing some more hardcore drugs and things began to happen. I wanted to kill myself again, but it was never a depressing thing anymore. After years of struggling with suicide it's so much easier to not talk yourself out of it. It's so easy to just laugh about killing yourself. It's so easy to plan it out. I even set a generalized Date.
I want to die at 25. Everyone thinks this is a joke and I laugh along with them, but I'm pretty content on really actually dying at 25. I've also decided I can't go out any normal way. Hanging yourself or cutting your wrists in a bathtub or jumping off a building are so cliche and boring. I've decided I either have to be in a major car crash where my car flies off the roof of a building and my entire car explodes, or I have to be in the middle of a terrible helicopter accident. Anything remarkably crazy really, because going out any other way just ruins the fun of it.
This all sounds remarkably insane I know, but if these are the thoughts that go on in your head 24/7 for years and years and you can't talk to anyone because you're afraid you may be punished for hating yourself, you tend to grow accustomed to it and it becomes normal. It's sad that because of this blog and me finally releasing how I feel to the world, that I could lose my Job. I could lose friends. I could lose my life if i'm sent off to some mental institution instead of people just talking to me. It's really sad that this is how society handles suicidal people, and expects them to be gracious they even did that for them. What kind of world do we live in where that is ok.
Edit: I'd also like to point out that I didn't write this for anyones sympathy. I wrote it because I've never actually even be able to express this and because it's been on my mind lately, and it needs to be said. I honestly don't think I'm the only suicidal person on this planet to think this way, and I honestly don't think I need to be hospitalized. It's just a struggle I have to work through, and that's all it is. I'm tired of hiding this stuff, when it's something that directly affects how I'm going to probably be treating everyone else.