Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Never Ending Battle

So I realize that what I'm about to talk about could likely send me to a mental institution. I realize that some of it could heavily influence my life. I realize that it may upset people, and for a lot of people this won't be easy to hear. Acknowledging these things, I also realize I've held all of this in for far too long and really need to let it out. We're going to talk about suicide.

I've been suicidal since the 5th grade. Really a bit before that because I had realized my sexuality but I wasn't sure how to handle it, but it wasn't until I was made fun of it that I wanted to end my life. Ever since those first reoccurring thoughts it has been something that consistently pours into my head. It comes in phases and it can come out of no where. When I was first suicidal, I would think about all the ways that I would do it. Pain wasn't an option, I had decided I had to go out with pills or something that would take me out quick. I was just too scared. One time I tried electrocuting myself by sticking tweezers in an outlet, but it really just shut off the power for the entire street which was just plain embarrassing. At one point I ended up telling someone online about how I wanted to kill myself and they ended up contacting the authorities who then came to my door and ended up yelling at me about how they'll take me away if I say anything like that anymore. Yeah Mr. Cop. Yelling at me will make the 12 year old suicidal kid feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Eventually I ended up in therapy and put on anti depressants which did absolutely nothing but put me to sleep and make me apathetic to the world. So I ended up not taking those and wearing a plastic smile around and pretending I was chipper. That lasted a bit I guess, but then I got suicidal again. Eventually I turned to drugs and cigarettes and such. Not all the time, just casually and usually only when I was really depressed. I ended up going to a therapist I really really liked and it helped. I was genuinely happy for a while. Aside from my immense hate towards Christians because of years or persecution. So I lived my life generally happy until I turned 18 and then I met some people and my life kind of changed a bit because God entered the equation.

At first everything was going well but then it started going down further and further and further. I never really expressed exactly how hard it was to anyone and how much it hurt and how upset I was getting because not even I completely understood because I had lived so happily for a while. Then I started doing some more hardcore drugs and things began to happen. I wanted to kill myself again, but it was never a depressing thing anymore. After years of struggling with suicide it's so much easier to not talk yourself out of it. It's so easy to just laugh about killing yourself. It's so easy to plan it out. I even set a generalized Date.
I want to die at 25. Everyone thinks this is a joke and I laugh along with them, but I'm pretty content on really actually dying at 25. I've also decided I can't go out any normal way. Hanging yourself or cutting your wrists in a bathtub or jumping off a building are so cliche and boring. I've decided I either have to be in a major car crash where my car flies off the roof of a building and my entire car explodes, or I have to be in the middle of a terrible helicopter accident. Anything remarkably crazy really, because going out any other way just ruins the fun of it.

This all sounds remarkably insane I know, but if these are the thoughts that go on in your head 24/7 for years and years and you can't talk to anyone because you're afraid you may be punished for hating yourself, you tend to grow accustomed to it and it becomes normal. It's sad that because of this blog and me finally releasing how I feel to the world, that I could lose my Job. I could lose friends. I could lose my life if i'm sent off to some mental institution instead of people just talking to me. It's really sad that this is how society handles suicidal people, and expects them to be gracious they even did that for them. What kind of world do we live in where that is ok.

Edit: I'd also like to point out that I didn't write this for anyones sympathy. I wrote it because I've never actually even be able to express this and because it's been on my mind lately, and it needs to be said. I honestly don't think I'm the only suicidal person on this planet to think this way, and I honestly don't think I need to be hospitalized. It's just a struggle I have to work through, and that's all it is. I'm tired of hiding this stuff, when it's something that directly affects how I'm going to probably be treating everyone else.


  1. I didn't write my first post for sympathy either. When you have a deeply sad soul, and people don't understand it... it is sometimes best to gibber and try to explain. People seem to always dislike being friends with me. Maybe I'm not assertive enough, maybe I'm not "fun" enough... but I'm a caring person and I always thought that'd be enough. But I've come to realize people want to surround themselves with people like them, and I have never found another person who was like me in my life. Sometimes I ask God why the hell he alienated me like that. Nobody to talk to, nobody who gets the happiness, caring, and joy but also the pain I've been through. Nobody cares to ask about the pain, because it's too much for them to deal with. Too disturbing. They'd rather live in ignorance and misunderstanding. It is too superficial to just look at the smile, you have to understand the hurt in the person's eyes as well. You have to be willing to look for the hurt in people. You'd be surprised how much better of a glue the sad things in life are than the everyday chatter people go through. I'm not a chatty Cathy, I like to talk about deeper things. I don't operate on a skin-deep level... and I don't think you do either. So if you're lonely it's because you're different, and different is never, ever bad. Just look for other different people who share your pain. Who care enough to delve deeper.

    I can relate because I've been suicidal since about the time you were too. It's an awful burden to bear as a child. I still have panic attacks to this day trying to cope with some of the overwhelming emotions memories of my past bring up. I don't know your past, but I know that you can push past this, because I did. I'm so weak when it comes to my emotions. I just cave. I literally will lie down in the middle of the floor and cry myself sick until it's all out and I can get up again. I'm not good at letting things build. It's good because I'm not one to let everything collapse on me at once. I deal with it a bit at a time, but that makes it hard to function daily... and yes it can make you suicidal. I'm surprised I'm still alive actually. And I know exactly why. God made me too chicken to go through with it, because my heart had to break enough for me to gather something from it, but not enough to stop beating. Try this the next time you feel incredibly upset, pray. I know sounds typical and I used to want to slap people who'd tell me that no amount of medication, therapy could help me, and just to pray about it. Even if you don't believe in God. Reach out to a higher power. Even if it's laying in the floor bawling, like I am usually :). Ask for comfort. Talk to him, like you would on here. I like to picture God sitting on a bean bag smiling at me, rubbing my back and handing me imaginary chocolate to calm me down. I used to have night terrors and when I'd pray for God to give me comfort, I could literally feel a presence, and it wasn't terrifying... it was powerful, warm, and beautiful. And I stopped crying. Just like that. And fell back asleep. Try this and get back to me with how it works :)

  2. Actually when I'm at my lowest points, I do actually do that. It's usually the last thing I do before I pass out asleep at night. I don't hold back when I talk to God. If I'm angry, I'm yelling. If I'm sad, I'm crying. If I'm happy, I'm speaking with a giant smile on my face. God knows who I am deep down, so I don't see a reason to play it off as something less than what he already sees.