Saturday, February 12, 2011

Tearing down the Walls.

     It's been a while since I wrote. I'm losing a bit of inspiration. A lot is going on, and my life is a spiraling roller coaster of doom and confusion, and yet somehow i'm unable to come up with something to blog about. I'll blame writers block for now. So this blog may be less exciting than any previous ones, however I feel anyone who cares to know about my selfish little life should at least get an update as to what is going on in my fragile little mind.

    So last time I wrote I'm pretty sure I told you guys that I was going to see a Christian counselor. Well I've gone to two now, so I should probably tell you guys about that first. First time was good. For the first time ever I didn't feel like I was going to hell ( Which lasted about a week and then the idea was bombarded into my head once again which is why I haven't prayed since then). It was a decent week because of that. They also had me take a 180 question test about myself. I've never evaluated my self to such an extent, it really got me thinking about who I am as a person. I also found out I'm a good test taker, I can carry on conversation while taking 180 question tests without very much hesitation.

    Skip over to the next week where I get my results. I find out that I am 91% more nervous than most adult males. 97% more Depressed. I'm inhibited ( I'm very apathetic). I'm apparently hostile, and I'm Impulsive. But I could have told you that last one. All things I kind of already figured, considering I've been working on that stuff since the 5th grade. Then I spilled the beans on my entire family life, which sounds more tragic when I talk about it than it does in my head haha. I really hated talking about it, simply because what has gone on in my life I'm pretty sure gave the people in the room reason to believe that my sexuality is behavioral based even though I was showing signs of homosexuality way before any of my family drama.

    All in all it is helping me out. I feel better letting how I feel out finally. Maybe I'll miraculously get rid of all my mental instability along the way, though I'm sure I'll be much less exciting after that. I've come to realize through all of this though that, over the years, I've built hundreds if not thousands of walls. I wear such a fake plastic smile that it's ridiculous. Not only is it a plastic smile, but it's also become a mask. Sometimes I'd even go as far as to say I've dawned an entirely new costume. I am not who I am on the inside, on the outside. So I'm trying to tear down the walls, but it's remarkably hard when you keep building them up. Every step forward I take I take a step and a half back. One moment I'm trying to build a relationship with God, the next I'm back to hating God. I build these walls so that I don't have to feel the pain that I know is coming.

    It's because of these walls that I can't even open up to my new friends. I have loads of things I'd love to talk to them about, but I can't. I wish I could open up, but I can't. I feel like I can't even be Gay in front of some of them. I'm so uneasy around people. I am completely reserved and I pull off this funny guy attitude that for the most part, isn't me. I observe everyone until I know what I can and cannot do simply so that I can't do the wrong thing, even if it's what I actually stand for. I don't think most of them truly know me, because clearly I don't even know who I am. It's remarkably painful and the only time I feel ok is when I'm drunk or high.

     The only times in my life when I am genuinely happy are the times when I am not sober. I like not being sober. I get a chance to forget about the future. I put myself in the future and worry about what's GOING to happen rather than what IS happening far to often. When I'm not sober I'm in the here and now and so I feel SO much happier. Do I sound like a drug addict/ alcoholic. Yeah probably. But I never drink/do drugs until I absolutely can't take things anymore. Surprisingly I haven't done ANYTHING in months. Which is weird considering what I'm going through. I blame not having anyone to get anything from.

    And now over the past couple days the idea that I'm going to hell has just been reinforced over and over and over into my head by so many people and things. I'm at a point where I just don't care anymore. I may just drop religion all together and just say forget it to God and forget it to Paganism as well. There's no point in any of it if nothing helps and if I'm inevitably going to feel unloved by a loving God. It's funny how when people can say things out of love and mean well, their words can hurt worse than anything any mean person has ever said to me.


  1. I am buddhist and it's a religion that I chose because I really appreciated the wisdom in a book by the Dalai Lama (Ethics for the New Millenium). I am also gay and a democrat... and now that we're done with the self-imposed labels, I'd just like to say that you have my support and you may find you need God at some point but you certainly don't need these foolish adults trying to determine what your sexuality is or should be. Namaste.

  2. You are who you are......doesn't matter what others say. And remember next time they tell you you are going to hell....God created you. So obviously he accepts and loves you for who you are. Being gay is not something that one day you wake up and say "I think I am going to be gay". It is who you are! It is how God made you. So why would he send you to hell? Just remember you always will have us. Love you!

  3. I agree with Amanda and Jarrett. Don't bother with anyone who is trying to tell you how you should be. Like Amanda said, if there's a God, he made you this way and you are perfecy fine this way. You're my best friend, so don't change!

  4. Aww, I love you guys so much. I don't plan on changing much about myself aside from any unhappiness. So it should be ok!