Monday, January 31, 2011


    Lately I've been faced with this idea/issue of "demons". Now I quote demons because honestly, I don't believe in them. At least not in the sense of some evil force controlled by the devil to do horrible evil things.  I've been told that demons are everywhere. That they constantly attack you and everyone around you and get inside your head and put thoughts inside your head and all kinds of things. Well, I really really doubt all of these things. I've always kind of had this idea that I've always followed. If you are looking for something, you will find it in some way, shape, or form. ( Oh also, apparently demons inflict homosexuality. Ha!)

   One thing I've noticed about the people I talk to who believe in demons is that they have a moderate focus on sin, the devil, demons, hell, and everything negative within the bible. Now ask any one of these people where their focus is and they'll say God and always God, however I have a hard time believing it when a good portion of our conversations regardless of what we're talking about tend to stride into those negative things. So as I said before, if you are looking for something you will find it.

   I strongly believe that people who put a focus onto these things get themselves into situations where they can tell themselves it was the work of "demons". People who like drama, find drama. People who like entertainment, find entertainment. People who are positive, tend to have positive lives. So they validate their beliefs by putting themselves into these situations so that when they're asked about these things they can easily give you a situation in which they believe is proof enough that what they believe is true. However, it's like this for everything.

   If you look into homosexuality looking for a reason for it to be wrong or unnatural, you will find reasons. I've heard every single one of them. From the roles of genders to the bible, I've heard it all. However it's the same way for people who support homosexuality. If you want to find a reason for it to be ok, you will find a reason. From stories in the bible that may or may not be homosexual, to the difference in the sizes of brains between genders and the slight imbetween of homosexuals brains. I've heard all of those as well. No matter what, people will always validate what they want to validate. They will find the answer they want to find, one way or another.

  So really, how do we actually know what's what? Everything is based off what we want to know. And what we want to know tends to be based off the "Moral standards" of our belief systems. The people with more liberal beliefs, just so happen to be more liberal politically. The people with more conservative beliefs, just so happen to be more conservative politically.  This is why we get absolutely no where in politics and in life period.

   This begs to question why I am even doing what I am doing on this journey. I want to find the answers I want to find, which is to validate why my homosexuality is ok. It's very unlikely that I will find that in christianity or with God. So why the hell am I wasting my time with all of this? I'm not even sure. I'm clearly very persistent however on finding the unlikely answer to my questions though. And as for a side goal of opening up some new friends eyes to what may be something they haven't really considered, that's also unlikely because the word of a mere mortal doesn't exactly compare to an omnipotent immortal being in the sky. So both of my goals in my journey are equally unobtainable. But as a human I am intent on finding the answer I suppose.

  My beliefs themselves seem to not really be changing. For the most part, I believe exactly the same thing I did 6 months ago as a pagan. The only difference now is that I am no longer completely discriminatory and prejudice against Christians. But that's about the only difference. Maybe some subtle differences that I don't even remember. I'm still very guarded around Christians. I can't even let my new Christian friends in and I constantly bicker with them unknowingly. I'm just so used to it, and I don't know how to let the people in that I care about simply because of what people with the same views as them have done to me. It's an unusual situation and it's unintentional.

  I'm going to a christian counselor on Tuesday. Why I'm going I don't even know. My friend says it's to get answers to any questions I have, but whenever I think of what questions I have I can't think of any. I've asked all of the ones I really care about. I'm almost certain if I ask them again, I will only receive the same response. I used to have so much bottled up and I had questions no matter what. I ALWAYS had a question about something. But at this point I feel like any questions I have are wasted breathes and I just feel overall exasperated. I don't even have the passion I used to have. I don't have the urge to fight anymore. I have no idea why, it's not even me giving up. It's just me letting go. Which feels amazing because it's a lot of stress off my shoulders, but at the same time it's bringing a lot of stress in because I don't even know what's going on with me anymore.

   Oh well, enough mumbling for me tonight. Thanks for reading if you read. I haven't posted in a while... I've clearly been blank on most everything for quite a bit. Obviously the lack of passion has a lot to do with it as well..

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