Tuesday, December 28, 2010

"I can do God all by myself"

      Alrighty well, it's literally not even been a week but I feel the need to blog some more so get over it. I've been doing some critical thinking lately, which isn't uncommon for me. I consistently find myself thinking untill the wee hours of the morning when I finally get delusional and decide that when I see kittens running around that aren't there it's about time for bed. But most of my thinking lately has been about God and the Bible Study I go to.

    To begin this I have to tell you a story. It's a semi long story that I haven't really told anyone in general about. If you do not already know, I'm a pagan. Currently I'm more of an atheist/pagan. But at one point I was just plain ol' pagan. And to be more specific on that point I was a shamanic pagan, with eclectic tendencies. I came to paganism because it kind of always called out to me. In some way I always felt more in tune with nature and the natural order of things than I did with a supreme holy being and good vs evil and such. So when I discovered paganism I was drawn to it and I felt very at home with the ideas that were presented through the belief system. I wasn't a shaman to start with, I dove into wicca, witchcraft, druidism, voodoo, you name it I looked into it. Because I did a lot of research on everything, that is why I became an eclectic shaman. When I found Shamanism it felt more at home to me and so in tune with nature and the spiritual side of nature, but I took a lot of the beliefs that came from the other parts of paganism as well. Now, there is a specific part of shamanic practices that most people probably haven't heard of. It's called a shamanic journey, and it's where you travel between spirit worlds. To shamanic people there is 3 different spirit worlds. There is a lower world, which is more natural ( At least that's how I perceive it). There is a middle world, which essentially looks like this world but you can see the spirits that reside here ( I picture it in black and white for some reason). And then there is an upper world, which is hard to explain ( I see it as the heavenly aspect of the world, which I clearly got from christianity, and so that is where I go for anything spiritual or to do with the afterlife or gods/goddesses). I've done a handful of journeys in my life and one that stuck out to me the most was one where I Met God and Jesus.

     So I went on my journey and went to the upper world not sure what to expect as you never know what's going to happen on a journey. So I went up ( my spirit animal to get there is a hawk, so I flew there) and was greeted by Jesus. Now I should tell you I was going through a tough time in my life where shit was consistently hitting the fan and the last thing I cared for was christianity or any abrahamic religion. I thought it was odd, but figured it best to just be polite and nice. So we had a decent chat as I followed Jesus to who knows where. I don't particularly remember our chat, though I remember talking about his teachings and the bible a bit. Then we stopped at a golden gate and he let me in.

     As soon as I walked in I was in what appeared to be an ancient greek town center or something. There was a fountain in the middle and buildings around me. It was night time, but the sky was clear. I didn't know what to do I was all alone and as I looked up I saw a constellation. I don't mean just the stars, I mean literally it was like connect the dots, but it also had kind of a cloudy texture. It reminded me a lot of the part in Lion king where simba sees mufasa in the sky. Well anywho, apparently this is God and so he says hello and we begin a conversation. I asked him a bunch of questions, I asked him why the bible was so horrible and he tried to reassure me and get me to look past what is bad in the Bible and to seek out the good in it. We got on the subject of homosexuality, obviously, and I started getting pretty passionate in my conversation and I remember crying and I asked if he hated me and if I wouldn't be let into heaven if I did in fact believe in him, but was gay because it wasn't something I could change. He reassured me that if I had faith in him, my sexuality wouldn't be a deciding factor on where I would end up. It was almost like I was talking to a caring loving father so the reassurment that I possibly wouldn't be placed somewhere that I burn in hell for eternity was a good feeling.

    Eventually he asked if I would ever turn to him, and I told him currently... at the moment... I could not. At least not with the way christians have treated me and used the bible as justification for it. Then he said something along the lines of "ok, but remember my door is always open for you" and then a star from the sky near him fell down and landed in my chest and I remember just feeling a sense of passion and self esteem and joy that I hadn't felt before then. The drumming for my journey was starting to speed up, indicating it was time to come out of the journey so I said my goodbyes and made my way back to my body.

     I didn't make much of this journey untill now. It was as if God knew at some point I would turn towards him, he just wanted to speak with me personally. Ever since that moment, from whatever the heck it is I got in my chest I have been more passionate in everything I do, I have been more happy in my life, and I have been more mature in the way I handle situations. I feel like through that conversation with what I believe was really God ( And not the devil as so many have tried to make me believe) I've gained a lot I can use in life now. It built me up from a place in which I felt so low I was going to therapy.

     Now that I've gone to some Bible studies and the interest in God and christian faith has reasserted itself in my life I've decided to go about seeking God, though not by normal means. I do not appreciate the bible still, so I will not be looking to the bible for answers. If I do seek a single God, I believe all my answers can be found through a personal relationship with my deity and I do not need others to tell me I am right or wrong in the ways I go about seeking him. It's for this reason that I only plan to ever attend one more Bible study. I've found that while the people there are absolutely amazing people who have changed my lives in ways I can't really explain, because the central focus is the bible I cannot find a love for myself there. I learn to hate myself over and over when I attend the bible studies, and I'm not ok with that because I do not want to end up in holes I have previously been in. So it's for that reason I plan to attend one more in order to say my goodbyes, though I hope to see everyone that attends them still outside of bible study.

    Many people from the bible study likely think I'm speaking with the devil, or that I'm wrong, or that I'm not turning to the real "truth" but I'm happy with the way I'm going about my own personal relationship with a single deity. If God really does have a plan for everything, and I go through everything for a reason, then I did not go through paganism just to lose it all again. I went in to learn a different way to learn to love a God rather than the way that seems to oppress me and bring me down consistently. If God had a plan this entire time, it was so that I could find a way in which to seek him without wanting to end my life. If that's such a big problem for others, than so be it. But I don't think I went through everything I have been through, and gone to a bible study and spoken with decent christians for no reason. I went through that to gain insight on how to go forth in a new journey in my life.

Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long :|


  1. Religion and Spirituality are a personal journey. You will find your path, just remember to love and the teachings of Christ or whatever prophet you choose.

  2. I steered away from God for very similar reasons. I had been mistreated and judged by people who claimed themselves to be people of faith. The fact is, no one person is above another, and no one is given right to judge sinners because we all sin and it's all equal sin in His eyes.

    I was blinded by people who were blinded by self righteousness. I have found my own path, and vowed to be the kind of Christian that I never saw, the kind who didn't judge people for being different.

    After all, we're all God's children. Who am I to judge?

    I'm glad you're finding your way through this, and you know I have your back. No killing yourself. *shakes finger at you* We need you around so you can rant with us. :D

    - Whitney

  3. Just an update buutt I read some of the bible and it's not AS bad as I make it out to be it seems. A lot of it sucks but some is ok. So I have no idea about the whole bible study thing now :|

  4. I must admit im fascinated by your spiritual journey. I honestly believe you met God and Christ...I am envious of you... I am a christian (haha don't hate me) but i have trouble even believing in God you know? It's a constant battle but it gives me faith that you have experienced him in what i see is a very real way. Keep doing what your doing seeking God and i admire your ability to get over your distaste of the Bible to actually read it. Its very admirable. I find the Bible to be one of the most confusing, challenging, beautiful, disgusting, loving, hateful and just over all bizare book. The only problem i face in christianity is the Christians. haha. Well ill be follwing your blog. keep posting my friend.